Recorded January 2017
I realize I don’t know how to get from here to my heart, and for some reason I get to a place…and maybe it’s just before the next level of movement…and I give up, or switch course, or basically just don’t continue.
I was at San Francisco Ballet School, and I quit.
And then I went back (to dance), and I was doing really well that summer, but I didn’t know how to handle the drugs and bad relationship, and so yet again, I didn’t continue.
And then, at University, I decided not to give up on my second dream….as if I had already given up on my first, and maybe I had. And I was dancing Really Well. And I had a potential research path in dance that TOTALLY fascinated me, consumed me, consumed my curiosity, and I felt so alive….and then I chose biology. I chose the path of career ….vs vocation.
And I kept moving….I thought, “maybe I didn’t allow myself to do body building”..so I did the Oxygen challenge. It didn’t fulfill me. I didn’t need to get on stage to know I could do it. It would have been awesome. Don’t need to do it.
And here I sit, feeling like I’m ready to finally finish. And right now, I’m really supposed to be getting ready for dance (chuckle)…and it feels lie it’s so far out of reach. I had it…I had it,…I was there.I was dancing, and I didn’t continue, and it kills me. Because now I just don’t feel…..I don’t see the avenue here. Maybe I’m just missing it, but now that I’m searching for it, it’s not really there.
I feel like I missed my boat…I gave it up too many times….I don’t know…. I don’t know how to get from here to my heart.