Bathtime musings 1-25-17 …Authentic Embodiment

Recorded January 25th, 2017

Drippy thoughts on #Emotions and our resistance to them, our bodies as channels in the organism of the universe, and how it is beyond time that we fully embody what we feel so that the world can speak through us. We are part of a collective that needs our authentic embodiment.

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Let Vigilance Rest

Recorded Feb 14, 2017

I used to think I wanted a man to take care of me, because I was tired of doing it all myself. I came to realize that it had more to do with the ease I feel around competent people. Check out the audio for the realization.

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Grounding into Simplicity

Loving using audio blogs, because I can catch more things.

Thoughts after #sivasana about drifting into nothingness, the resistance that comes with that, and how, amazingly that translates into the anxiety in my life, and how I can feel more grounded in this ever-changing world.

What can I anchor into in order to feel steady in this ever-changing world?

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Choreographing Life- transcript

Recorded January 2017

So, I spoke with (counselor) today at work about what’s up for me, and I told her that last night, I was sitting, and it became very clear to me that I’ve been running for 2 years, since my divorce, and that I feel like it’s time to FEEL it. And I have all these things going on that are either distractions, or….it’s just all up for me right now.

She said, “I picture you, you know, making a dance of what you’re going through….like, choreographing a dance maybe around your divorce” and it really hit me hard..and I’m driving home, and it’s like…it’s pretty clear to me that I started dancing more and instantly I started shutting down, because when you dance, you feel more, you’re moving energy through your body, and you have to allow those energies through in order to dance, and just by the act of dancing, you open up channels that are maybe trying to be blocked…..

So, I’m just having an image of the therapeutic power of allowing the story to play through our body and to orchestrate that story and to be conscious of how that story is played out and how it WAS played out, and how we move forward into the world…and how our physical movement in the world and our energetic movement in the world, interaction with people, is no different…it’s no different.

And to choreograph a dance that illustrates the TRUE story of what happened could be profound. My first thought is to go learn about choreography more, and to dive into that, and about storytelling and the power of story, and find a way to combine the two in a way that can really empower people to understand what’s happened to them in a different way and to change their course consciously or to act out somehow what’s happening internally that they can’t put words to, because these energetic shifts… we can try and use our brain and rationalize it….or braini-ize it, or whatever you want to call it, but it doesn’t… at some point, you gotta just give that up, and the body starts talking. This might be a way to help listen to the body too. It’s amazing how one small suggestion, when I look at it, I see the potential for it, and that’s where dance therapy comes in ….

(sigh)……yeah…dance therapy. I like it. I wish there were more programs for it. I would be willing to see how to make that work.

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Pushing Up Against Myself – transcript

Recorded January 2017

So, I’m reading Soulshaping by Jeff Brown, and, um, he talks about the patterns …just kind of that person that’s really you. He says ‘there are more authentic versions lingering below the habits of daily experience. To identify them, we need to make real efforts to distinguish our personality traits from the deeper archetypal currents of our lives.’

I guess the words aren’t directly related to my sensation, but I have to wonder if the authentic me is a dancer if it’s just so hard to get back into it, or if I’m butting up against what I don’t want to feel by dancing again. (sigh)

I feel like..I was thinking of (Pdx friend) actually, and how he goes out dancing, and he doesn’t seem really impassioned by dance, but it fulfills a definite purpose, and so he goes out and he dances, quite a bit I think. And it’s a part of his life. So, that’s where I feel like I’m pushing up against something in myself to prevent dance from just being in my life, to prevent committing to dance, or a style of dance, and forgoing the other styles for a while. And granted, I live in a wasteland for dance, honestly. It could be a lot worse, but, …..yeah, there’s definitely not much here. So I am just wondering what I am pushing up against in myself.

It’s almost like someone’s standing there waving their arms in front of me, there’s a part of me saying “oh, no! Don’t go that way!” and I keep going….but there’s that resistance I’m up against…so, I’d love to figure that one out.

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Depressed – transcript

Recorded January 2017

(I really wish this audio was uploadable….because it really catches what I am feeling so much more than the words will… the pauses, the intonation, the sighs…etc)

My usual MO is to plan right now…to plan my mornings, find a goal, set a goal, figure out how to do it. I don’t want to plan anything. I don’t know if they call that depression. I don’t want to do a thing, and I have so much I could do…

Yeah…like,

“I could wake up early and go work out…” -what’s the point?

“I could get up and do yoga…- but what’s the goal?

“I could get up and dance” – but I honestly want to just sleep.

I don’t have a lot of energy. I’m tired of being sick.

something…..(sigh)…

.

.

I don’t want  to feel my body.

….

There’s something there.

(Sigh)….and if I feel my body, I’ll have to feel it. I can certainly sense my resistance…to feeling.

Ooooooh,…..it’s tough being human.

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An Uncommon Bond – transcript

Recorded January 2017

I’m not sure what to think about An Uncommon Bond. I don’t feel like typing. I don’t feel like being on the computer. I don’t feel like dancing. I know I’m running away from my feelings and finding ways to not feel everything.

It brought up a lot around (Ex#3) and my experience with him, and it made me realize that I have some healing to do, and that I haven’t fully forgiven him, and that I’ve just been so Busy, um, …….you know, “Move on and be strong,” …..

…there’s a lot of stuff I haven’t processed. The residue is still there. That, along with wanting to dance again and finding myself dancing last weekend but then eating a Lot the past couple weeks. It’s really interesting….

Just to see how I’ve started eating less consciously, eating a lot more…just as soon as I start down the path of possibly dancing more…considering moving to another state…it’s alot of flux, potential flux, and I ….could just stay here..but ..this uncommon bond…made me think about (friend) and how I really don’t …I shouldn’t push anything. He’s not ready for anything, and there’s no rush with anything.

It’s funny, I haven’t really had much connection with (Bestie), and I messaged him today, and he said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about you every day, and I was just about to contact you after work”, and he added #soulconnected. And it made me cry, because I think I had been missing being connected with those people in my life. Somehow, (Distant Friend) is connected, and my ex husbands are not anymore. Ex#3, I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of all that.

I had all kinds of thoughts, but I didn’t write them down or record them, or anything when I was reading that book.  I just kind of let the book sink in. I think a lot of what hit me was where he described how he was preventing himself from feeling by not moving…by eating lots of food. I mean, the obvious is drugs and alcohol and food, but when he talked about getting really in his head, and not moving his body, and therefore not allowing emotions to move through him. It made me realize I’ve been doing that.

It’s hard to be fully alive, and yet I desire so deeply to be fully embodied. It just takes so much fucking presence. And willingness to open …and to go with the flow and to process what comes up, and to move through it. Because you have to let it move through you, and you have to move through it. Otherwise, you stagnate. It’s work, man….

So, I’m all over the place, and all I really want to do is just go to sleep and pretend like this isn’t bubbling up for me, and pretend I’m not lonely. And pretend I’m not scared and lost and feeling like I don’t have any direction in life. Trying to remember to be good to myself and have compassion, but I’m just feeling really lost right now, I guess.

 

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From Here to My Heart – transcript

Recorded January 2017

I realize I don’t know how to get from here to my heart, and for some reason I get to a place…and maybe it’s just before the next level of movement…and I give up, or switch course, or basically just don’t continue.

I was at San Francisco Ballet School, and I quit.

And then I went back (to dance), and I was doing really well that summer, but I didn’t know how to handle the drugs and bad relationship, and so yet again, I didn’t continue.

And then, at University, I decided not to give up on my second dream….as if I had already given up on my first, and maybe I had. And I was dancing Really Well. And I had a potential research path in dance that TOTALLY fascinated me, consumed me, consumed my curiosity, and I felt so alive….and then I chose biology. I chose the path of career ….vs vocation.

And I kept moving….I thought, “maybe I didn’t allow myself to do body building”..so I did the Oxygen challenge. It didn’t fulfill me. I didn’t need to get on stage to know I could do it. It would have been awesome. Don’t need to do it.

And here I sit, feeling like I’m ready to finally finish. And right now, I’m really supposed to be getting  ready for dance (chuckle)…and it feels lie it’s so far out of reach. I had it…I had it,…I was there.I was dancing, and I didn’t continue, and it kills me. Because now I just don’t feel…..I don’t see the avenue here. Maybe I’m just missing it, but now that I’m searching for it, it’s not really there.

I feel like I missed my boat…I gave it up too many times….I don’t know…. I don’t know how to get from here to my heart.

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Ready to feel again – transcript

Recorded January 2017…. while driving in the pouring rain…

I just realized that when I get where I’m going, I don’t know what to do with it. That I delight in the journey and the struggle, but that I am not sure how to sustain what I DO have. I’m just good at getting it. Because I have this pharmacy department..pretty much, not completely, and I’m feeling like…”eh, I’m done”.

And I can kind of see that pattern in my life where I don’t quite know how to hold what I have, or at least it seems like that. I’m sitting here kind of complacent, wondering “what’s next?” ……. waiting to be cracked open again, amazingly enough. Cuz that’s so hard, but I feel it’s time. There’s something else……I want to feel again. It’s been too long.

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Ready for Respite – Transcript

Recorded January 2017

So, I’ve been feeling tired to the bone. Not physically tired, but just tired inside. I wouldn’t call it depressed, but kind of ready to give up. I was sitting at the counter last night and suddenly felt weepy, not hard crying, like when you’re grieving something, but like I finally let go a bit.

It became clear to me, like a little voice, that I’ve been running since my divorce. I’m done running. I don’t know what I am running from. That’s over 2 years of kind of being in survival mode. I have had amazing times during it, but underlying everything, I think I’ve been running, …..and I’m tired.

And a little voice also said what I really could use is some actual retreat time. Not just getting out of town and going dancing and wearing myself out, but rejuvenative time off, like Vipassana, or some type of silent retreat, where there isn’t anything to do but nourish myself and give myself the quiet I haven’t had in….way too long.

So I am very thankful that something finally gave last night and I didn’t feel the need anymore to DO anything, or like I was forgetting to do something, or that….I’ve been feeling like something’s going to fall through the cracks. I think it’s that survival mode from the whole divorce. It was fucking traumatic, wondering if he was going to pop his head up again and attack me with lawyers and cost me more money and just threaten my basic livelihood, you know? So, I guess that threat’s not there anymore, and my body is finally realizing it? Anyway, I am a weepy mess, and I am thankful…

 

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