Recorded January 2017
I’m not sure what to think about An Uncommon Bond. I don’t feel like typing. I don’t feel like being on the computer. I don’t feel like dancing. I know I’m running away from my feelings and finding ways to not feel everything.
It brought up a lot around (Ex#3) and my experience with him, and it made me realize that I have some healing to do, and that I haven’t fully forgiven him, and that I’ve just been so Busy, um, …….you know, “Move on and be strong,” …..
…there’s a lot of stuff I haven’t processed. The residue is still there. That, along with wanting to dance again and finding myself dancing last weekend but then eating a Lot the past couple weeks. It’s really interesting….
Just to see how I’ve started eating less consciously, eating a lot more…just as soon as I start down the path of possibly dancing more…considering moving to another state…it’s alot of flux, potential flux, and I ….could just stay here..but ..this uncommon bond…made me think about (friend) and how I really don’t …I shouldn’t push anything. He’s not ready for anything, and there’s no rush with anything.
It’s funny, I haven’t really had much connection with (Bestie), and I messaged him today, and he said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about you every day, and I was just about to contact you after work”, and he added #soulconnected. And it made me cry, because I think I had been missing being connected with those people in my life. Somehow, (Distant Friend) is connected, and my ex husbands are not anymore. Ex#3, I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of all that.
I had all kinds of thoughts, but I didn’t write them down or record them, or anything when I was reading that book. I just kind of let the book sink in. I think a lot of what hit me was where he described how he was preventing himself from feeling by not moving…by eating lots of food. I mean, the obvious is drugs and alcohol and food, but when he talked about getting really in his head, and not moving his body, and therefore not allowing emotions to move through him. It made me realize I’ve been doing that.
It’s hard to be fully alive, and yet I desire so deeply to be fully embodied. It just takes so much fucking presence. And willingness to open …and to go with the flow and to process what comes up, and to move through it. Because you have to let it move through you, and you have to move through it. Otherwise, you stagnate. It’s work, man….
So, I’m all over the place, and all I really want to do is just go to sleep and pretend like this isn’t bubbling up for me, and pretend I’m not lonely. And pretend I’m not scared and lost and feeling like I don’t have any direction in life. Trying to remember to be good to myself and have compassion, but I’m just feeling really lost right now, I guess.