51- Losing My Identity

Today, I had a few experiences of not feeling like myself, and yet I was more myself than usual. It’s hard for me to explain, since I don’t quite understand it yet, but I will do my best.

Like most women in this country, I have issues with body image, and having been a ballerina in the past with severe anorexia nervosa sure doesn’t help. I am working on that every day, but today was different.

At first, I had some thoughts about how soft my thighs and whole pelvic area have become, since I stopped cycling in December, and I haven’t been my usual Type A, 10+ hours/week of intense exercise animal.

Lying in child pose on my yoga mat, I felt the coolness of my freshly washed hair across my back, and for just a moment, a beautiful, soft moment, I lost my ego. I suppose that’s what happened.

The voice in my head that criticizes and instills guilt and shame just wasn’t there.

I saw this person that wasn’t what I perceive as myself. In my place was a healthy, youthful woman with no set identity or role; just a woman in red leggings and black top on her bright purple yoga mat, taking time to just breath and be.

I was tired today from all the emotions lately, so I made me some roobois tea and sat down to read. That didn’t last long, and I ended up curling up with my long pillow on the couch for an afternoon nap.

Right before drifting off, I again felt that ease of being in my body, without stress about my weight, my ability to parent my daughter, my ability to manage my life, or my general worth as a human being. I just felt my body and my breath, and let my mind drift off.

This is one of those times that I wish I could remember the dreams, because they were intense, and I could feel them all through my body, despite being “asleep.” I was having realization after painful realization about things in my life, but I can’t remember them.

I CAN remember those feelings of not being myself, or rather of not being the person I believe myself to be, complete with limitations and a past.

What would it be like to have no past, no failures to taint your view? What would it be like to have nothing to live up to? That would be heaven, and I felt a taste of it today, without trying.

There was a small shift in my consciousness, one I never thought possible.