147- But I don’t want to be with myself!

It is very hard to sit with ourselves.

I found that when I committed to having several days to myself (save some counseling appointments and some errands), I was acutely aware of the urge to avoid myself. I touched on it briefly before, but I am really amazed at the power of that which distracts us.

One of the first things I noticed is that while reading books, articles, quotes, that offer guidance, I first thought about how it applies to loved ones in my life. Reminding myself that I was committed to figuring out MY thoughts, feelings and patterns, I found it hard to concentrate on myself.

Of course, anything we view in others is our projection, our mirror. In that sense, it all applies to me, but in reality, I need to explore me. If I can be at peace inside, it won’t matter what others do.

We blame our lack of personal reflection on the circumstances in our lives, when in fact, we don’t take the time to commit to ourselves. I was amazed at how many distractions in my life I removed effortlessly once I set the priority of taking time to be with myself. I rescheduled appointments for next week, rescheduled time with friends, and truly prioritized my time.

Setting up appointments to look at new homes, suddenly scheduling several nights in a row of social time, deciding to start writing that book, or work on a project, organizing the house or spring cleaning, calling someone for the first time in several months….or anything that seems productive, may just be a smoke screen.

Quite often, this is also that uncomfortable time between action and reflection that we have the urge to be with someone who comforts us. Is this a healthy spot to reach out from though? If we are running away from ourselves and into someone’s arms, or into their guidance, we are not doing anyone a favor.

This urge to distract is subtle at first. It’s not a conscious thing, and it was only through my commitment that I realized how often I create distractions from what is really important…ME.

I am thinking that I need to schedule ME time where I don’t set appointments, don’t run errands, don’t get on Facebook or the internet at all, and just be with myself. After all, I want to be my own best friend, and I do have to live with myself the rest of my life. I might as well make peace with myself and learn to be my own best companion.