Written in January 2015…

Not completely sure how to summarize or even explain what I just experienced. People standing around, as if they are people in your family that you may not have even met, discussing how and what they feel about the others….how they feel physically, emotionally… watching this whole play of dynamics tighten up in a ball of energy, and then gradually unfold, like a ball of yarn rolling away. Tonight, I did my first family constellation therapy.

I saw people play Keely and me to a T, people who haven’t seen us interact, or only sporadically. These people mentioned feelings coming up that fit us so well. The one playing Keely found herself rolled up in a ball on the floor, saying that she felt like she could stay there forever. The one playing me started out saying he felt pulled several directions, and that he wasn’t up to it, just wasn’t up to what he had to do. The one playing Keely’s father felt blank, which was more than appropriate.

The one playing my mother instantly felt lots of anxiety about me and Keely, which fits my mom to a T. She felt danger for some reason, so the facilitator (Lexi) looked back into the men in my mother’s family. She went back to my mother’s great-grandfather, I believe. And I realized I know nothing about the men on my mother’s side of the family. I never met my grandfather, and all I heard was that he was an alcoholic and not so nice. It makes me want to ask about the men to see what happened, what they were like.

At some point when Nicole (who originally played Keely) ended up playing my grandmother, it became so clear the similarity between her and Keely. They both are sweet, soft, and wonderfully imperfect, and vulnerable. My mom was always on my grandmother’s case about this or that, trying to fix her or correct her. I realized that is what I do with Keely. I am on her constantly, as if she is not okay just being. It’s harping more than guiding. Yes, I guide, but only on my better days.

It was a weepy night, with all kinds of strong feelings coming up. Time to sit down and recharge…