Also written 2 months ago…. releasing it to the world
To the men who are infatuated with me…
It was mutual. We met in a strange city for both of us, with a short time to connect, no presence of our mundane life to deal with or distract us from the potential we felt for intimate connection. I was on fire, as I always am during conferences or while traveling. Sexuality oozed, and you wanted it. We met, we shared, and it was mutually exciting, fresh, exhilarating. No doubt if I engaged, it’s because I found you alluring as well.
For some of you, it’s been more than once, sometimes years apart. I want to believe you are excited about ME, all of me, and I don’t like to be pessimistic, but I need to be realistic here. Somehow, your projection of what you want combined with what you experienced, lives in your fantasies and keeps you excited. You did not have time to know ME, in all my UN-glory, in my down times, my sweats, my sick days and down days, and everyday days.
And I battle this, because while I love the excitement of someone being “into” me, it does not fulfill me, especially when they are out of town. And there must be some correlation to them being in another state. They can remember and believe what they want from our experience(s). They can feed their fantasies and brighten their days with whatever they desire to remember and project.
Do I believe in magic? HELL YES. Are these men professing anything other than infatuation? Well, one could be. But, he is married, and that just wouldn’t be right now, would it?
I love that handsome, sexy men find me sexually attractive. It feeds my ego, which isn’t always a bad thing. It affirms that the vibrance I feel radiates out. It is an affirmation of my powerful life force. I want men to also be infatuated with my heart, my passion, my soul. I guess in some ways these men are, but I don’t think they realize that completely and confuse the connection with sex.
Meanwhile, locally, I am not experiencing that connection. I do, and then the guy gets freaked out and shuts down. I don’t think it’s anything I am doing. It must be the type of guys I am attracting, because I am the common denominator here. And I sometimes wonder why I even care. I am not ready to be in a relationship, but I certainly want companionship and intimate touch.
I want to be wanted. And that’s why I love the guys who are infatuated with me. It’s why I fall for their attention. Yet, it’s unfulfilling. It’s so temporary.