This was written 2 months ago…. I decided to stop holding on to it…
Experiencing some interesting and admittedly frustrating contradictions in my life. Or perhaps, that is just my impression…
On one hand, I decided to be sober and celibate August 25th. I didn’t really define celibacy, and instantly I started experiencing high sexual attraction with a small number of men. Go figure. And, lo and behold, the lack of alcohol did not make me any less interested in exploring those connections. I was, perhaps, better able to set a safe limit, so I have that going for me.
I decided to be celibate right around the time I met someone who might have the potential for something really special. He LOVES dance, is super sweet, my age, healthy, brilliant, funny, high energy, has a lovely touch, is handsome, aware, successful and humble in one, not afraid of (and even embraces) his emotions….need I go on?
I largely decided to be celibate for two reasons:
- I view the act of sex as spiritual and sacred. I want to be able to explore the depths of sexuality with someone, which requires me to feel absolutely safe and to be with someone of high integrity who views sexuality in the same light as me.
- I have not had the experience of forging a really sweet friendship before jumping into relationship. Typically, my relationships started with intense chemistry, and then we found ourselves together a LOT, and then in a relationship. Honestly, seeing it written out like that makes it feel pretty high school and immature. BUT, I think we all have had that.
What I have NOT had was that sweet friendship, where touch was not, more often than not, leading to something sexual. Does that double negative confuse you? Yeah, me too. I want to experience non-sexual touch with a man, with people in general. I want companionship and sweetness. I experienced it with the last guy I dated, and he proceeded to tell me I am the whole package, that he couldn’t ask for more, and then he said GOODBYE. Holy OUCH. At least it was not me, it was him…..
Back to the most recent guy…. I was really excited about exploring potential with him, getting to know him, and we did have a beautiful chemistry for sure. And then I told him I wanted to be celibate, not fully knowing what that meant, thinking that he didn’t just want to get in my pants, and this might be a really good thing. My decision was separate from the incidence of meeting him. And he emotionally vanished. Suddenly, his work became all-consuming. I get it. But I don’t get it.
So, here I stand, wanting that sweet connection, wanting someone to want to be with me, and the guys who want to be with me lately have major similarities (seriously, only a couple guys):
- They say, “I am infatuated with you.”
- They say, “I fantasize about you.”
- They live in other states….
- They say, “What we have is unique. You don’t experience it often.”
I fantasized a bit about these guys, and I don’t have this type of connection with tons of people…. but to have this intense, sweet, energizing connection with three people recently? Really? And none of them are potential partners? And since I am having these intense connections so close together, I am not so sure about #4 above.
I wonder, “are they just saying that?” “how many people do they say that to?” “How often is not often?” “Am I being played?”…..oh that cynic in me!!!
The voice that says,
“Amy, you are simply not enough…
Men don’t mean what they say….
Once they get to know you, they won’t want you anymore….
They just want your body, not your mind…”
Meanwhile, in my home town……NADA. I can’t help but realize the common denominator is ME. Yep, where in this am I messing up? Maybe I am just a different person when I am out of town. I know I am extremely adventurous and up for just about anything when travelling. I mean, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, and my time there is short.
And today on a walk, I realized for the umpteenth time that I REALLY want to be WANTED. And if someone doesn’t show interest in me, I walk the other way. If they don’t show CONSISTENT DESIRE TO BE IN MY PRESENCE, I step away, quickly.
My last two marriages, I think, really instilled an intense need to know that I am wanted and desired, because being in a relationship without that is DEATH, and being left by someone I am wholly devoted to is too painful to allow again….at least my mind says that. My heart is hesitant.
So, here I sit, feeling lonely except for random attention digitally from people south and east of me, and the men I have connected with locally aren’t capable, seemingly, of forging something more meaningful. Or, PERHAPS, I need to put myself out there more. I do it, certainly, but I only let rejection happen once, twice if I really like someone, and then I am DONE. I am far from desperate (look at my pride jump up, like a little kid). I wonder sometimes, if someone did want to be with me, what I would do. Would I hem and haw, and secretly freak out inside? I think so. I would be scared to death.
It’s definitely time to see a counselor again and sort some of this stuff out. I love having something to work on. It’s food for the soul, as trying as it is. It means I am close to a period of growth, if I just choose to take the challenge of working through my stuff.
More to come…..