What I really think about….. but not why you should care…

**Decided to share this, even though it was originally meant as a private journal. This is an exercise in authenticity… and how hard it is sometimes to express openly how we really feel.  (BTW, Keely is my teenage daughter)

Too many emotions to process right now…

anger because Keely didn’t answer my call…again. It’s a trigger..

wondering if my intolerance is due to caffeine consumption, or if it’s actual aggression, anger, resentment repressed and allowed to come out because I am not doing the “well, I feel calm, so it must be ok” thing.

I have these thoughts, and epiphanies, all day long, and I was really good at capturing them before. Maybe I just need to get back in the groove of writing, typing, etc.

This one is just for me, for re-learning how to type with my thoughts, and maybe a journal to computer conversion is best. I don’t know. What I know is that I have lots of thoughts that I want to preserve and maybe share.

Because understanding is what keeps me going… sometimes it gets me into trouble….but there is something inside of me that strives to understand…and the more you understand the more questions you have. The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know, and then the whole world becomes a maze of possibilities. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty freaking cool to me!

So much to write and think about…perseverence, possibilities, frustration, triggers, scrumptiousness, gluttony, addiction, right vs wrong (that’s a lifetime in itself), maturity and youth, dating, non-dating, marriage, divorce, ego, ego, ego…why things come in 3’s…. and why I seem innately drawn and committed to that number… the divine, narcissism, ex-husbands, being alone, friendship, companionship, relationship, authenticity…. these are the words and issues that go through my head a million times a day. Did I mention parenting? Ok, add on guilt, shame, self-doubt, pride, concern, joy in another’s well-being, despair over a daughter’s lack of self-worth… whether to take it personally or not, whether to let go or continue to guide. When to hang on, when to let go…. when to push and when to back off. When to be a parent and when to be a friend.

Parenting is my biggest obstacle. It involves my fear of failure. I see it very clearly. I don’t fail, not often. I do my best at everything. I have always been an all or nothing person, and now I am in recovery from that ….have been for about 3 years now. So, if my daughter is not “doing well,” it is hard for me to handle. I tend to project my idea of success on her, my ideas of responsibility, accountability, etc. She is generally a good kid, and generally follows the rules, but she has a mean streak, a rebellious streak. She’s going to do it (or not do it, usually) however the hell she wants, and screw anyone else who doesn’t like it…..Hmmmm…sounds like someone I know. I just wish it was more constructive. It tends to be destructive to all the opportunities in her life.

And yet, that is her path, and here I am trying to fix her, when I am the only one I can fix, if I even need fixing.

And the cycle continues, and you just have to love it, if you are like me, because that is the way it goes. Some days are more emotional than others.

I go from feeling rage to breaking down in tears. For, truthfully, the root of rage is a deep despair over something lost or missed. And in those moments when I have let out my rage in primal screams, or in beating my bed with a yoga mat, once I have truly let it all out, I feel the root, and it is always despair.

I love Byron Katie. Sometimes, in her work, we get stuck. We have a thought, such as “I am so pissed!”, and the question is “Is that true?”,….well, duh! Yes, it’s true…ok, “What does that mean?”… the idea is that it’s bad to be pissed. Otherwise, why would we worry about it?

Is it true that it’s bad to be pissed? NO

Cool, then we can look into why we are pissed. But first, we need to start with the understanding that it’s ok to have our feelings. That feeling like we hate our daughter, or our husband, or our boss, is totally ok. You probably don’t actually HATE them, but having the thought or feeling is totally normal and OK. If you can’t get past judging your thoughts and feelings, you can’t get past those feelings.

While they are ok and normal, they aren’t life-affirming. It would be good to have less of the negative emotions, or rather the negative REACTIONS to our thoughts and feelings. There we go. Accept the thoughts, but don’t embody them. HA! Easier said than done, and that is where self-compassion comes in.

I truly believe we are all doing the best we can at any given point in time.

And I have asked myself if that is a cop-out.

I am hard on myself, and I demand authenticity. And I realize I am not 100% authentic, but I don’t use that as an excuse. I also am learning to have compassion for my imperfection…and that means I have more compassion for everyone else. Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that I strive to be my best, in whatever I do, even if it’s self-compassion….and why should I care what you think? I shouldn’t. Ultimately, I don’t. I only care about my own self-edification, as do you and yours. Whatever we say to others, we really need to hear ourselves, which is one of MANY reasons blogging is so freaking cool.

So there are some of my most intimate, pertinent, and predominant thoughts and beliefs and morals, out there for you to do with what you will. I can’t be attached to what you may do with it, or it will taint what I say, so here it is, raw and unedited.

I will say, “Thank you so much for reading my writing, for taking the time to read and ponder. Thank yourself for taking the time to read something that grabbed your attention, whether it benefitted you or not. Hallelujah for self-expression and personal freedom.