54- Aching

My whole body aches….

Have you ever screamed so long and hard that you lost your voice? That you felt a pain in your chest, like a pulling in your sternum?

I have, quite recently actually….like an hour ago. I figured part of me really wanted to let it out, so I did. And the roar of anger became the screech of frustration and angst, became the wailing of sorrow and defeat.

Sorrow for what feels like the loss of my sweet, happy daughter.

Angst for the pain of having so much of her anger directed toward me, no matter what the situation.

The feeling of defeat, because nothing I do or say to her changes anything, or so it seems.

And the absolute frustration of feeling like I am banging my head against the wall. The frustration of feeling the sorrow, the angst, the defeat, day in and day out.

Frustration because, despite the circumstances, I have remained pretty damn positive and happy, but my daughter’s black cloud goes everywhere with her, and she spews her torrid words all over my bliss.

Oh, and powerless. I can’t make my daughter do what is best for her, and I can’t make her help out. I can’t make her see that her anger is only hurting her…and me.

All I can do is hope that what I have taught her will serve her well once she realizes she is in charge of her life, for better or worse.

Each day, I hope it will be different. Each time she acts “human,” I soak it up.

I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically.

And each day is a new day, and so I hope…..

For the aching to go away.