78- All I can do

Curious how I can be in bliss all day, and in an instant, I am yanked down into hell by my daughter’s hatred for me. Truly blissful, lazy, heart nourishing day…and it took one second to flip my switch.

She shut me out. She always does, and it triggers something in me. It triggers rage, but underneath that rage is absolute despair.

Despair for feeling so hopeless and helpless in handling my daughter’s emotions, for I can’t seem to even understand my own right now. I certainly can’t seem to manage them.

Anger and disappointment over making so many sacrifices to try and have a better life, only to get treated like dirt. If I were in a relationship with my daughter, I would have kicked her to the curb. BUT, I have to be the big one. I have to be the one that pulls through, over and over and over and over….

It’s exhausting. Utterly, dreadfully exhausting. Some days, it sucks the life right out of me. Like today.

Where’s that manual that kids are supposed to come with? Is there a service that takes kids while they are teens and then sends them back when (and if) they are human again? What did I do to deserve this? Will it ever end? Will she ever show me love again? Does she really hate me that much?

Thankfully, I got rid of the wine in my house yesterday. Not much here to numb myself with, other than rice…and I think one beer. Holding out, trying to do the right thing….always trying to do the right thing. Always. Yet, it is still the same. She still hates me, and she still makes it very clear I am at the top of her shit list.

Her father is criticizing me (not that I listen to him), she is criticizing me, and my parents are criticizing me. Everyone else is supportive and nurturing, and thankfully so. I think I would have gone cliff diving in shallow water otherwise.

Deep down, I know it will be better. Deep down, I keep hoping that normalcy is right around the corner. Deep down, I know that sanity is possible. I just don’t know when. And I certainly don’t know how.

All I can do is trust and hope, trust and hope. Close my eyes, breathe, and trust and hope…