79- Is it okay?

Sometimes, I feel like I am overreacting. Like my stress is unwarranted. Yet, I can’t deny the absolute overwhelm I feel. Times like these (now), I want to crawl into bed and sleep until life is safer. It’s then that I need to reach out to loving people, or to find another way to nurture myself.

Often, I feel like I am dealing with things alright, and people marvel at how I can handle the stressful situations I am in, and I shrug and smile. Then the thought flashes through my head, “am I actually dealing with things, or am I stuffing it all down, only to implode later on?”

Is it okay to need someone? Is it okay to lean on someone? Is it okay to need a break from being a parent?

I ask this, but deep down I know it’s okay. And yet, that little child-self says it’s not okay. Because it wasn’t okay when I was a kid to ask for help, nor to shirk my responsibilities.

“No blood, no tears.”

That’s what my dad always said to me. Or you know the famous one,

“I’ll give you a reason to cry.”

It is such an odd experience to have these thoughts come up that it’s not okay to ask for help, or to lean on someone, or to even cry, and to simply watch them, observe them. It is amazing to finally be able to witness the child-self without constantly embodying the pain and confusion of that inner voice.

Slowly, I am releasing that hurt, abandoned, distraught child-self I have held on to for so many years, and trading it in for an innocent, playful, loving child.

It’s time to be OK.