Pity Party

***saved this for some time, but working on being raw, so I am releasing it, as it no longer has any hold on me.***

It’s a pity party kind of afternoon. Movement certainly moves emotions, which is probably why I didn’t move for 5 months. I mean, not more than the typical jaunt to the loo, or to the frig, or to the shower. Maybe a few rolls in the hay. Basic life stuff happened. And that’s about it.

Oh, and I fell for a man.

And then, after 6 months of not feeling he was really into me, all while we were hanging out, and I ended my celibacy…not because he asked me to, but because I wanted to.

With him.

Yep, the whole 6 months, I just didn’t feel he was into me, and I finally shared my feelings in a heaping mess of tears. I essentially broke it off, because my conclusion was that he wasn’t into me, so why should I invest myself so much? Inside, I was begging for him to tell me I was wrong, to allay my fears. But no, he was just sweet and tender, like I wanted him to be all along. He reached out to me and caressed my hair, and held me lovingly. And I realized that’s what I had been wanting more of the whole time, that emotional presence.

That was three weeks ago. We didn’t talk for a week, and I was feeling like an ass, so I asked to talk to him on Mother’s Day, and it was good, and I thought we were on the same page. I apologized, I expressed my feelings, I cried. He was sweet and attentive, like I wanted…. I thought we were going to try to continue dating, but I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half…. Ok, one thing that you gotta know about me. I am a bit obsessive, but it’s not just about guys. It’s anything I am interested in. I love to dive in and get to know a person, a subject, a movement form, whatever catches my interest. And, I had been the main person keeping this relationship moving forward. So, I figured I would wait until I heard from him…..and every day I woke up wondering what was wrong with me, why was I so sad, why was I so attached? Why the hell has he not texted or called? Why did it matter if he contacted me? What is this sadness? Why the hell has he not reached out to me? Why can’t I just be mad at him? That’s always the easy way to move on….the easy way to move on.

Maybe I don’t want to move on.

I want to move in…to me.

I have lots of energy lately. I have worked out, and hiked, and generally been energetic and full of life and focus and interest, and it’s beautiful. Today, I even had the energy and actual desire to clean some of my home! Seriously, I don’t clean. I have a housecleaner come very 2-3 months. Otherwise, I spot clean. Maybe it was all that cleaning, that moving, that did it.

Sadness, moving up and through me. I wish I could understand it. I don’t want it right now, but I let it out anyway. And I am alone, so incredibly alone, and it’s beautiful and sunny out. Life’s been dull for months. I should be outside, hiking, running, laughing, using my body! Yet, I am in my house, pacing, pacing… so I walk to the park. I look at my phone.. no text from him still..how many days? Last Wednesday, so 10 days. Ouch. Six months of nearly every day to Nada. Zip. Abyss.

Go on a walk, yes, go on a walk outside. It will make you feel better. Do I take the phone? How about the journal? I am feeling inspired to write, but I want to move, and I don’t want to carry much. But I might want to take pictures, so do I take the phone? No, because then you will wonder why he hasn’t texted you. So I grab the journal, and the phone, and then I put them down and untether.

And I walk to the park, crying, moving, crying, wondering what the hell is going on inside my own self. And it’s hot and beautiful out, the sun burning through me. It cools my tears.

A chime in a near distance, and my heart quickens, all senses alert. In the next instant, I realize that what I thought was the sound of a text on my phone was a wind chime, a beautiful, sweet, tinkling wind chime. I am an addict! Like Pavlov’s dog, I wait for that little hit of dopamine, that microgram dose of affirmation that someone is thinking about me, that perhaps someone likes me, that I am not utterly and pathetically alone. And I am glad I left the phone at home…..

Because a pity party is best alone, at least to start. And a pity party can only continue without distractions from what’s bubbling up inside. And it can also only end without distractions from the outside.

And I wondered during my walk, and sitting and leaking tears on the park bench, how we can BE on the inside. I mean, we are inside of ourselves, but we spend so much of our time outside of ourselves, and living our lives according to the outside. It seems so simple, but it’s freaking profound.

And I will spare you from the million thoughts that raced through and around my head during that eternally short time on the bench, but it became clear that I want to know myself from the inside, to live more on the inside, or rather From the inside out.


Pulling Double Duty: Happy Father’s Day to all Truly Single Moms

Most Father’s Days, I give myself a pat on my back and celebrate being both Mom and Dad for my only daughter. Today, as my daughter prepares to move out, I forgot…..until I received the sweetest voicemail from a fellow single mom who wanted to celebrate US for doing Double Duty all these years.

I have to admit I don’t quite know what being a Dad really is. I have an amazing Dad, who has saved me from the same failed relationship twice, once on the West Coast, last on the East Coast. Yet, I never got to witness a father grow into his role. I never got to struggle through that with a man. It was my choice to leave my daughter’s bi-coastal dad, and while I don’t regret my choice for multiple reasons, I do regret not having that family unit for myself and for my daughter.

I have met several fathers in this tiny town of Ashland, Oregon, who somehow manage to co-parent their children, stay active and in their childrens’ lives, and make the best of it. They are extremely supportive of their ex-wives, keep their mouth shut when needed, speak up when needed, and learn a different struggle. I have witnessed this more than the beauty of the family unit.

For my daughter’s entire life (she is now nearing 19), I would cry when I saw a father that was engaged and proud to be both a doting father and loving husband. I gave that up, because I knew it was not possible with the man that pollinated me. That doesn’t mean I didn’t long to have that and provide that.

Somehow, I managed to marry 2 more times, and each time the pivotal point was how they treated my daughter. We were a package deal. And those marriages didn’t last, and somehow….through the course of my daughter’s life, through my wish to have a family unit that I had given up, my daughter has had 3 fathers, all of whom are not in contact with her. And that kills me. If only I could turn back time, I would not undo my life for my sake, but I would for her’s.

So, I was the soft one, the hard one, the one who took her out on dates, and out to concerts. I am the one who took prom pictures, and spied on her internet activity. I was the one to set limits and consequences, and to talk about life and lessons hard learned. I was the one to teach her (or not) lessons about life, love, responsibilities, money, friends, school, morals and ethics, self-care, boundaries, relationships, cooking, cleaning, nature, self-reflection, and more. And it was tiring. I got to enjoy my daughter less, because I had to pull double duty. I have moved my daughter from the East Coast to the Southwest, to Maui, and to the West Coast.

And today, she is moving out.

And today, I got to be the dad that my dad was to me. Staying active has paid off, for I did the heavy lifting down one set of stairs and up a new. I had the joy of helping my daughter move safely into her new place. While it is tiring pulling double duty, I do get to partake in every aspect of helping her, and that’s a blessing. There are no parental duties doled out to one over the other.

fathers day standing stoneOn this Father’s Day, I flexed my muscles in support of my daughter, and then I celebrated by wine and dinner at her work, watching her at her first job, full of pride for the woman she is becoming. Double duty isn’t always easy, but it’s worth the hard work.

To all you single moms out there who hustle every day, and take care of every detail, who shuttle your kids around and advocate at school, and somehow manage work and children and playdates and afterschool activities….without the break that people in co-parenting relationships get…for the single moms doing your best to take care of your kids’ needs and still somehow take care of your own too…for those who must be the sole disciplinarian, sole counselor, playmate, life coach, family doctor, shuttle driver and comedian… HUGE kudos to you for pulling Double Duty.  Reach your arms out and wrap them around your awesome self in a big hug.

You are amazing.




Make love to me

Make love to me with your presence…with your silken gaze and gentle caress of your hand as you pass me tea, gently, gently… make love to me.

Make love to me with your laughter, your twinkly eyes meeting mine in celebration of mirth, of life, of love. Caress my cheek with your gaze, hold my words in your palms, in your heart, like a gentle dove sleeping, caress them gently, gently…

Make love to me with your view. Sit next to me, share time, hold me near, not too close, yet all the way deep inside your heart and soul. I want to meet you there, where feelings erupt and dreams collide and passion bubbles and overflows, where butterflies roam and fields and streams hold the treasures of dreams deep and long-held.

Make love to me with your passion- open up- tear yourself wide open. Let me see the darkness of your belonging, the beauty of your shadowy soul. Let fly your expression, let go of yourself and fall into the unknown, dive deep with me so that we may fly through the heavens of our desires.

My heart is ablaze, my belly soft and full, my breasts abound with passion and delight. Come rest in my bosom. Let me caress your sweet head. Come, suckle me, feel the generosity of of my body against yours, the warmth, the soft, silky skin responding to yours. Feel the generosity of my wetness, expressing desire, acceptance, relaxation, trust. Hold me gently now, for I am vulnerable. I am opening, unfurling, and it’s all very scary, this unfolding. Please, hold me gently.

Make love to me with your presence, now more than ever. Quaking with excitation, apprehension, the falling apart of the rigid constructs of persona. My soul is coming forth, behold it, adore it, let it fly with wild abandon. Hold me close, but let my soul fly free. Hold me gently, softly, with the tenderness you would give a baby bird.

I am a flower unfurling, petals curling open, nectar for the offering, so vulnerable, so soft, falling into myself, into you.

Make love to me with your presence. See me as I am, gently, gently….

Into me, into you.


Haiku 7

Gray, swirling tar pit
Grief over a dream unlived
Simply a mirage



You want in my pants?

You want in my pants? You’re gonna have to pay. Not like you may think.

To get in these pants requires vulnerability, truth, sensitivity and communication. Yes, plenty of communication, specifically about you and your feelings, your fears, failures, successes. I want to know all of you, not just what you think I want to see, not just the comfortable stuff. Why?

Because I want someone to see and love and appreciate all of me. I want curiosity.

I want to be surprised–not in a way that makes me realize you have held back, but where you reveal your jewels of the heart.


What I want from you

‘It’s easy to reach out to someone who is loving you, because it relieves you of the duty of loving yourself.’ ~Amy Baker

I stayed away from intimate relationship for nearly a year for a reason. It’s hard. And not in the effort way. It’s hard because it brings up your shit. Insecurities and fears that lie dormant while you are single and taking good care of yourself suddenly crop up. And being in relationship is also EASY because when it’s good, we don’t have to give ourselves the loving we need to feel good. But that filling up from someone else’s overflowing cup is unsustainable. 

Conscious intimate relationship is incredibly hard, because it demands that you own all your shit, that you allow your vulnerabilities, and that you take full responsibility for your happiness. Therefore, you must get to know yourself. So, in a weird roundabout way, conscious relationship requires plenty of alone time to get to know oneself.

I have been thinking hard about what I want in relationship, and what kind of relationship I want, if any. I realized so many things these past two weeks, pondering over stuff while the man …shit, I don’t even know what to call him. I was calling him my beloved, but things changed in me recently, and I think they changed in him, but we haven’t had time to talk about it. I may have screwed up asking for an open relationship. What people don’t realize when I say I want an open relationship is that I am NOT asking for something flippant or on the side. I AM saying I want a relationship. It just is going to have different boundaries than the typical monogamous relationship.

And I actually realized that I don’t necessarily so much want an open relationship. I want the communication that I feel is necessary for that type of relationship to occur. So what I really want is someone and something REAL. I want to give my partner enough freedom so they can feel comfortable being themselves so I can see who they really are. I want to get to know the real person. And yet, it ends up backfiring. I guess I will have the same issues regardless….but I digress.

I have been feeling like I need to fix myself, like I can’t be broken in front of anyone, and that I only deal with my shit on my own, and there is a lot to be said for taking care of your shit on your own. But I think there is also a lot to be said for accepting that we are imperfect, and we have pasts that shape us in many ways. While we try to overcome those shadows, some we aren’t aware of yet, and others we just aren’t clear of. And that’s O.K.

For me, things get good, and I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I recognize it every time, and just because it’s familiar, doesn’t make it easier. It’s often hard to tell how much is intuition, and how much is reactive programming.


So, some things about me that I am accepting and telling partners about:

  1. I want and need open, honest, regular communication. Openness and honesty create intimacy with me, which creates trust. Lack of disclosure about who a partner is spending time with is pretty much a deal breaker. Is this largely due to being cheated on by my ex husband the whole 6 years we were together? Perhaps. But it’s what I want and need to feel emotionally safe and close to someone. If someone wants to get to know me, then they need to be open, upfront and honest about everything.
  2. I want to be wanted. It’s important to me that you want me in your life. If not, then why spend time together? I don’t believe in just filling an empty space. You know those sweet things that you did in the first month or so? Don’t stop. We aren’t done courting yet. Thinking of me? Please let me know. It feels good to know someone is missing you.
  3. Vulnerability is sexy, so long as you are owning your shit. So is knowing and expressing what you want. I strive to do that and don’t always succeed. You know what else is sexy? Admitting you were wrong. That is so hot!
  4. I like touch, and cuddling and sweet, tender kisses and hugs. I am not a sex object, and while I have a sex drive to match or beat yours, that is not the only thing on my mind and it doesn’t fill my heart like tender caresses and holding me like someone who is cherished. If you want to keep me around, be tender more than you are horny.
  5. I have fears. Despite all of the work I have done on myself, and all of the years of counseling, the fears come up. When things get really good and beautiful, I start waiting for the other shoe to fall. I don’t know how to stop it. I just know what it is and try my best not to react to those negative thoughts and feelings. It’s really more a sinking in my gut and a low-level vibration of panic. I fear that the one I am loving will not love me once he sees all of me, that somehow I am not lovable as I am. SO, I am working on loving all those pieces of myself. I actually like myself a lot, so not sure why this comes up so much.
  6. Just once, I would love if a man could see me falling apart over a fear (no matter how stupid), and just hold me and love me for being vulnerable, for doing my darnedest to work through all the mental crap I have dealt with over the years. If they only knew how much I have overcome. Love me for my weaknesses as much as my strengths, for my strength is born out of allowing and dealing with my weaknesses.



It’s not that I don’t want you

To my current and future lovers…..

It’s not that I don’t want you, that I wouldn’t welcome calling you mine. Au contraire. I want nothing more than to be someone’s beloved…. to be held deeply in the heart of one I call my beloved.

It’s that I don’t want the relationships I have had, and so in order to not fall into those patterns again, to create something I don’t fully know yet, I must break the mold and start anew. Crush the clay and rebuild. 

And so I risk losing you so that I can avoid losing myself in you, for surely if that happens, I have lost you already, or will lose you soon. No, I would have lost you from the beginning, for if you stayed, it would be for the wrong reason, the wrong person, like so many others in my past.

Yes, I risk losing your love so that I may ensure I stay whole in myself, for then I have all of me to give to you. And if you leave a whole person, then surely it was not meant to be and I will have nothing to lose, for I kept myself whole.

What a beautiful thought….2 whole people merging to become more than they are alone…. yet staying separate and whole throughout it all. I want to know that I have given all of me to you, in those moments of merging. And I want to receive all of you.

That is beauty.

That is truth.

That is what I want.


I told my mom tonight I am putting myself in the fire (of relationship). I am not sure how or if I can handle the person I am with being with another person intimately. I don’t know that I can handle being with more than one person intimately. It’s not really about that, to be honest. It’s about being in that uncomfortable space, that place that causes so many of us to dive into the “comfort” of monogamy. It’s predictable, or so we think.

I told my mom that I have jealousy issues that come up when I am in a monogamous relationship. Yes, I have jealousy issues, so I have decided to put myself in relationship where I may be sharing my partner. Why?! Because it is the only way I can get over it.

For me, it is about communication, about allowing myself the time to experience what comes up for me with the space to work through it. I know flirtation happens, and affairs happen, and people are attracted to each other for whatever reason. Sometimes, we confuse emotional or even cerebral attraction with sexual. Sometimes, drawing that boundary around the relationship creates a tension that actually draws a person more toward what is “forbidden”. Take away that invisible boundary, and the tension dissolves. Then, you can see the attraction/energetic pull for what it really is.

What if we allowed ourselves to have whatever connection felt right with someone, and did not stop it because of fear of what our partner may or may not think? What if we were supportive of the other having these relationships?

I love knowing that my current partner and I have options to be with other people and still spend precious time with each other. There is never obligation, only desire and enjoyment. I love that. We allow each other choice, with compassion and forgiveness, every day.

He owes me nothing, and I expect nothing. I want honesty and openness and will draw the line there, but I can’t expect it of him. Just one day at a time. It’s scary, because my fear says he will not find me interesting enough to stay….Yes, the tears on my cheek as I type tell me this is true…that I have this deep-seated fear that I am not lovable. That can’t be true, since I had 3 men want to marry me. I just was with men who didn’t love themselves, and I did not love myself enough to stay whole. Everyone is lovable. Everyone deserves love.

It’s time to come together with someone in a whole-hearted, whole-bodied manner.

So far, it’s going great.

Not always comfortable, certainly not familiar, but most definitely right.


The Heavens Opened Up and Poured Into My Heart

**This post is 2 months old, and I thought I had to write everything before posting….silly me

Joy is timeless, so InJoy!

I don’t know how to assimilate all of the goodness that is flowing into my life.

I opened the doors to what I want, and it’s all flooding in at once…. conscious relationships, dance, community, career success, financial stability, and something I never imagined….. having my whole reality shattered by a weekend of African dance.

Sounds odd, but bear with me, and you will understand.

Sometimes, I can’t tell if written words or spoken are better. Here is my Bathtime Musing #5, in case you prefer to listen:


Bathtime Musing #4- Beautiful Men

So much goodness in my life, reflected in the people I am meeting, especially in the quality of men entering my life.

Thanks to my ability to be fully me, they now have a vessel to give to.



Bathtime Musing #3- YOUR Part in THEIR Lie

When we are being lied to, it is important to reflect on our part in the lie, especially as a parent and partner.