108- My own best friend

The days are going by faster than they used to, and I feel like I get less done. I find myself spending too much time and energy wanting what was, too much time and energy wanting, period.

My gratitude has shifted. In its place, I find my inner child screaming for attention and reassurance. The past few days, I felt like an overgrown child, with all of those thoughts coming up and often brimming over. Petty thoughts, selfish thoughts, and painful thoughts. Insecurity, jealousy, pettiness, anger, bitterness, vulnerability…. all bubbling up and spilling over into my speech, my tears, my actions.

I went with it. I spoke my feelings. I didn’t apologize for them. They are valid, even if they are misplaced at the time. I am working through stuff in therapy, and the only way to truly heal is to accept ALL of myself. My shadows are windows into my soul. What my inner child wants reflects directly why I act the way I do and what I need, and why I need it.

If I am to love myself first, I must embrace that hurt, lonely child screaming at me. I can’t push it away, for if I do, others will too.We cannot be whole by denying our less appealing parts. We can only be whole by being whole.

I embrace all of myself, and I give love and compassion to those parts of me that hurt, that scream and cry and beat my chest. I love the crazy woman that believes in and will only accept unconditional love. I love and forgive the mom that has made so many mistakes, but always tried her best with what she knew. I believe in me. I believe my intuition. I trust my heart to guide me. I trust my pain and listen to myself, for I know myself best.

I am my own best friend, longing for a best friend to introduce myself to.