What I want from you

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‘It’s easy to reach out to someone who is loving you, because it relieves you of the duty of loving yourself.’ ~Amy Baker

I stayed away from intimate relationship for nearly a year for a reason. It’s hard. And not in the effort way. It’s hard because it brings up your shit. Insecurities and fears that lie dormant while you are single and taking good care of yourself suddenly crop up. And being in relationship is also EASY because when it’s good, we don’t have to give ourselves the loving we need to feel good. But that filling up from someone else’s overflowing cup is unsustainable. 

Conscious intimate relationship is incredibly hard, because it demands that you own all your shit, that you allow your vulnerabilities, and that you take full responsibility for your happiness. Therefore, you must get to know yourself. So, in a weird roundabout way, conscious relationship requires plenty of alone time to get to know oneself.

I have been thinking hard about what I want in relationship, and what kind of relationship I want, if any. I realized so many things these past two weeks, pondering over stuff while the man …shit, I don’t even know what to call him. I was calling him my beloved, but things changed in me recently, and I think they changed in him, but we haven’t had time to talk about it. I may have screwed up asking for an open relationship. What people don’t realize when I say I want an open relationship is that I am NOT asking for something flippant or on the side. I AM saying I want a relationship. It just is going to have different boundaries than the typical monogamous relationship.

And I actually realized that I don’t necessarily so much want an open relationship. I want the communication that I feel is necessary for that type of relationship to occur. So what I really want is someone and something REAL. I want to give my partner enough freedom so they can feel comfortable being themselves so I can see who they really are. I want to get to know the real person. And yet, it ends up backfiring. I guess I will have the same issues regardless….but I digress.

I have been feeling like I need to fix myself, like I can’t be broken in front of anyone, and that I only deal with my shit on my own, and there is a lot to be said for taking care of your shit on your own. But I think there is also a lot to be said for accepting that we are imperfect, and we have pasts that shape us in many ways. While we try to overcome those shadows, some we aren’t aware of yet, and others we just aren’t clear of. And that’s O.K.

For me, things get good, and I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I recognize it every time, and just because it’s familiar, doesn’t make it easier. It’s often hard to tell how much is intuition, and how much is reactive programming.

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So, some things about me that I am accepting and telling partners about:

  1. I want and need open, honest, regular communication. Openness and honesty create intimacy with me, which creates trust. Lack of disclosure about who a partner is spending time with is pretty much a deal breaker. Is this largely due to being cheated on by my ex husband the whole 6 years we were together? Perhaps. But it’s what I want and need to feel emotionally safe and close to someone. If someone wants to get to know me, then they need to be open, upfront and honest about everything.
  2. I want to be wanted. It’s important to me that you want me in your life. If not, then why spend time together? I don’t believe in just filling an empty space. You know those sweet things that you did in the first month or so? Don’t stop. We aren’t done courting yet. Thinking of me? Please let me know. It feels good to know someone is missing you.
  3. Vulnerability is sexy, so long as you are owning your shit. So is knowing and expressing what you want. I strive to do that and don’t always succeed. You know what else is sexy? Admitting you were wrong. That is so hot!
  4. I like touch, and cuddling and sweet, tender kisses and hugs. I am not a sex object, and while I have a sex drive to match or beat yours, that is not the only thing on my mind and it doesn’t fill my heart like tender caresses and holding me like someone who is cherished. If you want to keep me around, be tender more than you are horny.
  5. I have fears. Despite all of the work I have done on myself, and all of the years of counseling, the fears come up. When things get really good and beautiful, I start waiting for the other shoe to fall. I don’t know how to stop it. I just know what it is and try my best not to react to those negative thoughts and feelings. It’s really more a sinking in my gut and a low-level vibration of panic. I fear that the one I am loving will not love me once he sees all of me, that somehow I am not lovable as I am. SO, I am working on loving all those pieces of myself. I actually like myself a lot, so not sure why this comes up so much.
  6. Just once, I would love if a man could see me falling apart over a fear (no matter how stupid), and just hold me and love me for being vulnerable, for doing my darnedest to work through all the mental crap I have dealt with over the years. If they only knew how much I have overcome. Love me for my weaknesses as much as my strengths, for my strength is born out of allowing and dealing with my weaknesses.

 

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It’s not that I don’t want you

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To my current and future lovers…..

It’s not that I don’t want you, that I wouldn’t welcome calling you mine. Au contraire. I want nothing more than to be someone’s beloved…. to be held deeply in the heart of one I call my beloved.

It’s that I don’t want the relationships I have had, and so in order to not fall into those patterns again, to create something I don’t fully know yet, I must break the mold and start anew. Crush the clay and rebuild. 

And so I risk losing you so that I can avoid losing myself in you, for surely if that happens, I have lost you already, or will lose you soon. No, I would have lost you from the beginning, for if you stayed, it would be for the wrong reason, the wrong person, like so many others in my past.

Yes, I risk losing your love so that I may ensure I stay whole in myself, for then I have all of me to give to you. And if you leave a whole person, then surely it was not meant to be and I will have nothing to lose, for I kept myself whole.

What a beautiful thought….2 whole people merging to become more than they are alone…. yet staying separate and whole throughout it all. I want to know that I have given all of me to you, in those moments of merging. And I want to receive all of you.

That is beauty.

That is truth.

That is what I want.

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I told my mom tonight I am putting myself in the fire (of relationship). I am not sure how or if I can handle the person I am with being with another person intimately. I don’t know that I can handle being with more than one person intimately. It’s not really about that, to be honest. It’s about being in that uncomfortable space, that place that causes so many of us to dive into the “comfort” of monogamy. It’s predictable, or so we think.

I told my mom that I have jealousy issues that come up when I am in a monogamous relationship. Yes, I have jealousy issues, so I have decided to put myself in relationship where I may be sharing my partner. Why?! Because it is the only way I can get over it.

For me, it is about communication, about allowing myself the time to experience what comes up for me with the space to work through it. I know flirtation happens, and affairs happen, and people are attracted to each other for whatever reason. Sometimes, we confuse emotional or even cerebral attraction with sexual. Sometimes, drawing that boundary around the relationship creates a tension that actually draws a person more toward what is “forbidden”. Take away that invisible boundary, and the tension dissolves. Then, you can see the attraction/energetic pull for what it really is.

What if we allowed ourselves to have whatever connection felt right with someone, and did not stop it because of fear of what our partner may or may not think? What if we were supportive of the other having these relationships?

I love knowing that my current partner and I have options to be with other people and still spend precious time with each other. There is never obligation, only desire and enjoyment. I love that. We allow each other choice, with compassion and forgiveness, every day.

He owes me nothing, and I expect nothing. I want honesty and openness and will draw the line there, but I can’t expect it of him. Just one day at a time. It’s scary, because my fear says he will not find me interesting enough to stay….Yes, the tears on my cheek as I type tell me this is true…that I have this deep-seated fear that I am not lovable. That can’t be true, since I had 3 men want to marry me. I just was with men who didn’t love themselves, and I did not love myself enough to stay whole. Everyone is lovable. Everyone deserves love.

It’s time to come together with someone in a whole-hearted, whole-bodied manner.

So far, it’s going great.

Not always comfortable, certainly not familiar, but most definitely right.

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The Heavens Opened Up and Poured Into My Heart

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**This post is 2 months old, and I thought I had to write everything before posting….silly me

Joy is timeless, so InJoy!

I don’t know how to assimilate all of the goodness that is flowing into my life.

I opened the doors to what I want, and it’s all flooding in at once…. conscious relationships, dance, community, career success, financial stability, and something I never imagined….. having my whole reality shattered by a weekend of African dance.

Sounds odd, but bear with me, and you will understand.

Sometimes, I can’t tell if written words or spoken are better. Here is my Bathtime Musing #5, in case you prefer to listen:

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Bathtime Musing #4- Beautiful Men

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So much goodness in my life, reflected in the people I am meeting, especially in the quality of men entering my life.

Thanks to my ability to be fully me, they now have a vessel to give to.

 

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Bathtime Musing #3- YOUR Part in THEIR Lie

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When we are being lied to, it is important to reflect on our part in the lie, especially as a parent and partner.

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Bathtime Musing #2: The Fall of Exaltation

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You know the post-performance (or post-project) blues? They hit me within hours of the end of my first weekend of performances in 11 years. Here are my thoughts on that…. direct from my watery tub.tub

While I wanted to edit this one, I didn’t. Please pardon the abrupt ending.

 

 

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Bathtime Musings #1: The Voice

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It’s amazing what can happen in a short bath. I can never again say that I don’t have time for:

  1. a bath
  2. creativity

This all happened in a span of 45 minutes, including a chi machine jiggle after and what I am writing right now.

Listen here: 

  1. It’s so much better than the shower because: a) you CAN hear your voice; b) you can feel the vibration of your voice in the water and therefore on the surface as well as inside your body
  2. I’ve noticed that certain notes feel open on the left side of my face, and in order to open up the right side of my face, I have to go higher. And that, I can go incredibly high, incrementally, with an AAhhhh
  3. EEEs are so much harder than AAAhhhs to go high with

 

 

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Turn of the Tides

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I had my heart opened up.

Just enough to let the light in.

He didn’t try to do it. He didn’t do anything but smile, dance, and then hold me sweetly. My body remembered the sweet grace of a warm embrace, the mutual sigh of contentment, if only for that one shared moment.

And right on the heels of the night, Doubt came galumphing along. Doubt is an insidious character, the elephant that never forgets an infraction by anyone (real or imagined).

Doubt lacks compassion. Doubt assumes the worst. It’s a real downer.

And Yearning also popped in for a visit, which only made Doubt more insidious.

Tired of the chatter and confliction, I went for a walk in the park, something I had not done for much too long.

Walking along the creek, something softened in me. That sound, that rushing, undulating current of water always softens my edges, washes away my crusty armor, and leaves me naked, ripe for the taking, if only I allow it time to work its magic.

The water surged, welling up in my eyes, across my forehead, and deep into the belly.

“What on earth am I sad about?”

And at that moment, it was clear. I was mourning the loss of Nature in my life, of MY nature…..the familiar turn of the tides in me that I have turned from in an effort to be strong, to leave the painful past behind, to turn my intention to the future, toward stability and growth.

I have made it so I don’t have time for my dear friend and confidante. I shunned her because she washes away my armor, she opens up my soul and leaves me naked, bared to anyone who can See.

It’s scary being vulnerable, being true and open and honest. It’s scary opening up after a heinous divorce and then being let down yet again.

It’s scary to trust myself, knowing I have let mySelf down so many times.

My friend, no matter how long I neglect her, is there, reminding me to remain sensitive, to trust in the evolution of process. She is there in my orchids that took 18 months to bloom, and Oh! How they bloomed! And she is in my herbs, and drooping plants, and bright plants, and in everything that grows and dies in my life.

And she spoke to me at the park.

“Stop, and listen. Hear the creek, the rhythm, let it beat upon your back. Let the air rush through your lungs. You are alive as you can be. Isn’t it glorious?!”

And she showed me her treasures….tiny flowers nestled in the knot of a tree, nature’s flowerpot, mini worlds of fungi, lichen and moss, solo flowers standing proud, and then a tall, smooth tree that beckoned me with it’s quiet, unassuming strength.

And I laid my face upon its smooth skin and let my tears fall, and it held me.

No judgement, no expectations, no words of advice. It just held me, supported me and welcomed my tears. And I wrapped my arm around the trunk, so thankful for the unconditional and ever-present love, support and acceptance of my dear friend.

“It’s been too long, my friend, too long.”

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What a True Blue Mentor taught me

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My brain is on fire.

I just spent the past 2 days at the Oregon State Pharmacy Association conference in Eugene, Oregon, and I am both appalled and fired up about how broken our healthcare system is.

I want to write to you, anyone who will listen, about so much in pharmacy, in healthcare, in the advancement of our youth, in the development of our profession and leadership.

Somehow, it all starts with that One Person. For me, that is Bill Jones, a pharmacist who has spent his career questioning his profession. That may sound really odd, but those who question are the game-changers.

When I found out that Bill was speaking at this conference, I sought him out and would not leave his side. I consider him my pharmacy mentor, yet when describing him to someone, I couldn’t say exactly what he taught me.

bill and me

So, while he gave his talk “How much of a difference makes a difference?”, I jotted down what I had learned from him, both in my student rotation and through my residency. The list is pretty intangible, which is what makes it invaluable. I learned to bring Reality and Human Nature back into pharmacy:

  1. Honesty– I love truth and pharmacists rarely admit that they don’t know the answer, that they are lost, that they DO know the answer, that something doesn’t make sense, or that something is just plain Wrong. I learned it’s good and okay to be honest, that it opens doors to possibility.
  2. Passion– this man is devoted to what he believes and will tell anyone willing to listen. He doesn’t just talk to pharmacists. He talks to anyone and everyone about what he believes. He talks fervently and passionately. He does not shoot down your passion and yet he stands strong in his conviction. He sees injustice and isn’t afraid to call it out. Passion + Honesty is a powerful combination and not something everyone can handle, yet overall we love it. We want to be more like that!!!
  3. Taking the ego out of patient care. Bill is very aware of how we may appear as a profession to other healthcare professions, and he ALWAYS comes back to “What is best for the Patient?” It’s so easy to get caught up in titles and board certifications, and whether we are working our way up in the chain of command, but if the patient doesn’t benefit from our actions, WHY DO IT? He calls out the ego and the ways in which it disrupts our ability to take good care of the people who need our care and presence, the patients we SERVE.
  4. Think outside the box– While many pharmacists are doing “innovative” things in pharmacy, they aren’t innovative in healthcare. Bill is the first one to point this out. He makes me QUESTION the status quo and IMAGINE the POSSIBILITIES. It’s easy to think there is no other way, that our system is so locked in that we can’t do things differently. And it’s good to get out of that way of thinking!! It gives me hope for our profession, for my livelihood, and for our patients.
  5. When it came down to it, I realized Bill Jones embodies Humor, Humility, and Heart. 
    1. Yes, he is a self-professed cynic, but that’s because he has a huge heart and cares about the patients first and foremost. He is their advocate, and not a bleeding heart advocate, but a true blue advocate. For him, it’s not about getting the guidelines right, or doing everything perfect. Healthcare is messy, and whoever says otherwise has not been involved in patient care. It’s about the first oath of a healthcare professional, the Hippocratic Oath: First, DO NO HARM. (You know, I just realized that isn’t explicitly stated in the Oath of a Pharmacist, and I am frankly disappointed.)
    2. He is funny as hell. He isn’t afraid to say he wants a beer after the meeting, to call out the quirkiness of our profession, or the egoic ways some of us conduct ourselves. He calls out anyone who is full of sh*t with biting sarcasm and a big smile. He says it all from a place of humility that allows us to see it in ourselves, without judgement. Because it isn’t about US. It’s about the PATIENT….. and he keeps coming around and coming back around to that.

This man is my mentor not because he taught me how to be a pharmacist. He taught me what matters in Truly Making a Difference, which is to remove my ego from the equation.

He taught me it isn’t about doing the Wrong thing Well, but doing the Right thing.

 

 

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Effortless Cleaning

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Well, I decided to do another day of the Year to Clear.

Even though I am 30 days behind, I am just doing what I can and what feels good. The goal is awareness, not just completing it “on time”. So, Day 26 is about moving things, moving stuck energy.

This was the message:

‘Moving things from one place to another – clothes from floor to drawer, dishes to dishwasher, attic treasures to Goodwill – moves stuck energy.

What is one thing you can move (clear) for one minute right now that could release some stuck energy?

What is one thing you can move (clear) for one minute today without judging it – or you – as bad?’

I started to put away dishes and straighten up the kitchen. I do it day in, day out. And while I rinsed dirty bowls and placed them carefully in the dishwasher, and closed cupboards and rinsed the sink, I remembered a few mornings ago, when I woke up, stumbled downstairs and started the coffee. While it was brewing, I simply put away all the liquor bottles from a cocktail party a couple weeks prior. They were new, so I had’t created a place for them.

I didn’t think about how much work it would take, and I didn’t berate myself for not having done it sooner. And it was SO EASY. Completely effortless and without thought.

It suddenly dawned on me. Often, the reason we don’t do things like clean up clothes, or mop or sweep, or any of those things that just seem to suck for whatever reason, is because we criticize ourselves for not doing it, or not doing it right, or letting the clutter happen in the first place, or whatever stupid freaking criticism or guilt trip our meanie inside decides to lay on us.

And it’s unnecessary. And it doesn’t help. And it stalls progress.

And it’s hard, at first, to move that stuck energy, but once you call out the inner meanie for what it is and approach your surroundings and relationships with compassion, it all becomes easier, bit by cleared bit.

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