The Heavens Opened Up and Poured Into My Heart

**This post is 2 months old, and I thought I had to write everything before posting….silly me

Joy is timeless, so InJoy!

I don’t know how to assimilate all of the goodness that is flowing into my life.

I opened the doors to what I want, and it’s all flooding in at once…. conscious relationships, dance, community, career success, financial stability, and something I never imagined….. having my whole reality shattered by a weekend of African dance.

Sounds odd, but bear with me, and you will understand.

Sometimes, I can’t tell if written words or spoken are better. Here is my Bathtime Musing #5, in case you prefer to listen:


Turn of the Tides

I had my heart opened up.

Just enough to let the light in.

He didn’t try to do it. He didn’t do anything but smile, dance, and then hold me sweetly. My body remembered the sweet grace of a warm embrace, the mutual sigh of contentment, if only for that one shared moment.

And right on the heels of the night, Doubt came galumphing along. Doubt is an insidious character, the elephant that never forgets an infraction by anyone (real or imagined).

Doubt lacks compassion. Doubt assumes the worst. It’s a real downer.

And Yearning also popped in for a visit, which only made Doubt more insidious.

Tired of the chatter and confliction, I went for a walk in the park, something I had not done for much too long.

Walking along the creek, something softened in me. That sound, that rushing, undulating current of water always softens my edges, washes away my crusty armor, and leaves me naked, ripe for the taking, if only I allow it time to work its magic.

The water surged, welling up in my eyes, across my forehead, and deep into the belly.

“What on earth am I sad about?”

And at that moment, it was clear. I was mourning the loss of Nature in my life, of MY nature…..the familiar turn of the tides in me that I have turned from in an effort to be strong, to leave the painful past behind, to turn my intention to the future, toward stability and growth.

I have made it so I don’t have time for my dear friend and confidante. I shunned her because she washes away my armor, she opens up my soul and leaves me naked, bared to anyone who can See.

It’s scary being vulnerable, being true and open and honest. It’s scary opening up after a heinous divorce and then being let down yet again.

It’s scary to trust myself, knowing I have let mySelf down so many times.

My friend, no matter how long I neglect her, is there, reminding me to remain sensitive, to trust in the evolution of process. She is there in my orchids that took 18 months to bloom, and Oh! How they bloomed! And she is in my herbs, and drooping plants, and bright plants, and in everything that grows and dies in my life.

And she spoke to me at the park.

“Stop, and listen. Hear the creek, the rhythm, let it beat upon your back. Let the air rush through your lungs. You are alive as you can be. Isn’t it glorious?!”

And she showed me her treasures….tiny flowers nestled in the knot of a tree, nature’s flowerpot, mini worlds of fungi, lichen and moss, solo flowers standing proud, and then a tall, smooth tree that beckoned me with it’s quiet, unassuming strength.

And I laid my face upon its smooth skin and let my tears fall, and it held me.

No judgement, no expectations, no words of advice. It just held me, supported me and welcomed my tears. And I wrapped my arm around the trunk, so thankful for the unconditional and ever-present love, support and acceptance of my dear friend.

“It’s been too long, my friend, too long.”


Protecting the Void

I am deeply protective of my ME time, in a way I never knew before. I don’t think it came so much out of a conscious decision to protect my time. Rather, it came out of an intense desire to focus on a personal goal and to pay attention to my physical and emotional needs on a daily basis.

I recently spent about 4 months diving into a fitness challenge/contest, where the grand prize was to be on the cover of Oxygen magazine. While I wasn’t dead set on getting on the cover, I was going to make sure I put in the work to give myself every possibility. The caveat was that I wanted to do it in a healthy way, with balance and attention to my energy levels and daily needs.

I have had adrenal fatigue and am still not over that hurdle. I may never be fully free of adrenal fatigue, and that’s probably a good thing. I have a habit (I won’t say it’s good or bad) of diving in to something I am passionate about and pushing my limits. My body has finally learned to tell me when to slow down. Or, perhaps, I just finally learned to listen.

During the course of restructuring my life to incorporate 5am workouts, mealprep at least twice a week, learning new recipes and new workouts, and then actually putting it all into action, I became a bit of a home body. I knew I had to get up at 4am, so I didn’t go out often. I wanted to eat the right things, so I didn’t go out to eat. I was tired at night from getting up early and working my ass off, so I didn’t go to fun happenings like West Coast Swing, which would have kept me out until 10:30 on a week night. I didn’t plan things on Saturday morning because I wanted to be able to sleep as late as noon or 1 if I needed to. (If you want to see my healthy obsession with the process and the learning, check out my IG page @amyrxbaker)

While some of this may seem extreme, it was so good for me to be able to say yes to what I was doing and no to distraction, to know that I was making the decision to honor the commitment I had made for 3 short months. I needed that.

Yesterday,  I realized that I am feeling lonely, but then I don’t make an effort to go out and be with people.  At first, that felt so contradictory, but I really don’t want to go to the effort of being with people just because I am lonely. I want to reach out to people from a good space, not a space of lack. 

I am getting to know myself.  I am giving myself the space for creativity, allowing the space to try new things, revisit the things I love, allow spontaneity and experimentation.

There is a void in my life after the challenge, and nature abhors a vacuum. As long as I allow the void, the goodness will flow in. I don’t need to fill it myself for the sake of filling it. Let nature and inspiration do that!

109- Who moved my mirror?


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My good friend Amanda came over today. I always love when we visit. She is a sunshiney person, and even on a rough day, she lights up my world when we are together. We talked about certain feelings like abandonment, … Continue reading




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My reflection I see In your adoration. My beauty Expressed through your love. Impermanent. A wavering pool of emotion. Waiting for the stone to drop. Plop Ripples, waves Attempts at stillness Create more waves of emotion. Waiting, Hoping, To see … Continue reading


95- The Voice Beneath The Voice


I met with my very special friend Amanda today, and we talked about a lot of things, but one is the programming of our mind that affects our reality. It takes a lot of work to be aware of what … Continue reading



“There is nothing wrong with dating someone. But if you believe you can only experience a state of calmness by being with somebody, this means that you are in a tricky situation, because a dependency exists. This dependency makes you feel anger. It doesn’t matter with whom or with what you are dating: a person, a car, a house or a bank account. If you depend on something outside of yourself to remain at peace, sooner or later, you will be dragged into suffering. Everything that is on the outside is transitory. It’s like a cloud that will always pass by. There is nothing wrong with you celebrating the encounter, but when you try to retain this moment and make it eternal, then you have a problem because the cloud always passes.”

Sri Prem Baba ~ ‘Flower of the Day’ 6/23/12

The following was the response from Angela Drake’s facebook status:

This is why it is divine to be alone… this is why getting self right within is vital… this is why exclusive love is an illusion… this is why being ones own beloved is perfect… this is why spending sacred self time in the reflection of another in a vibrational frequency that is elevated, is a sublime exchange and to walk away whole and in peace simply is a beautiful expression of love... with zero attachment, feeling blessed and content.
Anything and everything that is leaned upon in the outer world is an illusion or a need to fill and inner void. The inners are a sweet place to call home and rest in knowingness that all is in perfect order, then the outer world is a perfect reflection of inner tranquility. me

All of this is a lovely reminder of time with my beloved, and with those beloved in my life who partake in the dance of divine being, who reflect all the beauty we share and bring me closer and closer to my self, my first beloved.

To my beloveds, you live in my heart, always.


44- Passionate Curiosity


I was sitting down to write this blog last night, when my roommate and I engaged in conversation. Part of me really wanted to get the blog written for the day and Accomplish my goal of keeping on track. The … Continue reading