It’s curious to me the thoughts that pop into my head as I am putting on my mascara, or especially as I am driving to work, or driving in general. An incident the other day got me thinking hard about Integrity.

You know that feeling in your gut when you have said something, yet you do another? For me, it’s like a knot tying tighter and tighter the longer I am out of integrity. I believe that uneasiness, that Dis-Ease, is one thing that contributes to disease.

What is integrity? Google says this:

in·teg·ri·ty

inˈteɡrədē/

1. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. “he is known to be a man of integrity”
2. the state of being whole and undivided. “upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty”

Dare I say, I am proud of myself. Not for doing anything grand or big, but for finally honoring myself and committing to something I have wanted to do for way too long now.

When I moved to Ashland, Oregon from Maui nearly 3 years ago, I was excited to learn of a small dance company right down the street from me. It turns out Moment In Time Dance Company‘s director and choreographer Rosalind Schrodt also trained with Bill Evans, and she had a company in Santa Fe for some time. We had many commonalities that made it seem like such a good fit. My marriage and something inside of me kept me from continuing there, despite the desire to make dance a part of my life. I attended a couple of classes at Dancing People Company and thoroughly enjoyed them, but for many reasons didn’t make it back on a weekly basis.

I have committed to my fellowship, to a 90 day Challenge where I worked out diligently 6 days a week, committed to my work, and even to helping teach social dance classes at a couple local venues. Yet, I wasn’t committing to my first true love. Part of the reason I committed to the challenge was to get strong enough to dance again with less risk of injuring myself. YET, I still am not dancing.

I decided at the end of 2015 that I really wanted to perform again. I don’t really care much the venue, but I was thinking some type of movement performance. Well, a Moment In Time Audition showed up on my Facebook feed a couple weeks ago. How could I not do it?

Well, I haven’t been dancing consistently for 11 years. That right there says a lot. I had many reasons why I should or could not go, but none of them were convincing enough. I decided to at least dust off the cobwebs and allow myself to have the opportunity to dance, no pressure. Before going, I dug out my old toeshoes and ballet slippers. They still fit!

It felt good to be with dancers, to feel my body and my feet on the Marley floor. It felt good to perform movements that were familiar, that I had performed in some form or fashion thousands upon thousands of times. It was a small group, and we danced well together.

Classes and rehearsals start Monday (tomorrow).

What’s amazing about this opportunity, is that it’s like coming home. I have had so many new things come up in my life the past couple years. A new relationship, a marriage, a divorce, a new job with all new responsibilities, a new town where I don’t have long standing friendships to anchor into, and new activities I am learning. Yet this, even though I have to get to reknow my body’s capacities….THIS I know.

I feel so much energy freed up from wondering if and when and how I was going to dance (despite having the whole local schedule typed out into Excel). I feel like I can focus on everything else now. The dance will happen, 2-4 times a week. No expectations, no timeline, except hopefully a performance or two in April, potentially more.

I can’t wait to share my love of dance, to honor it regularly with those like me who just can’t put it aside…who won’t put it aside.

I am reconnecting with my first true love, and while our relationship has changed, it is every bit stronger. I have fewer expectations, and more appreciation for it’s role in my life.

Let the dancing begin!

It’s the day after Christmas, and I am sitting in an airport reflecting on my visit with family in good ol’ Nuevo Mexico, and on the last year. What a year it’s been! I think it’s good to take stock during the holidaze, when we reconnect with family (hopefully), fill up with gratitude, and head into a new calendar year.

Since I only get to visit family once a year now, it is pretty evident how each of us has changed over the year. Nothing will reflect that back to you faster than interacting with family.

So, what was 2015 for me?

First and foremost, it has been a year of getting to know and APPRECIATE myself. I have known my dark side for years. I have picked myself apart and know all too well my flaws. This year, I have been learning to love and appreciate myself. What has come out of that is nothing short of empowering.

2015 was a year of setting boundaries, of knowing my limits with others,  and honoring them. This means actually expressing them freely and effectively, which is still the hardest part for me.

It has been a year of expressing my worth, my needs and desires, and making sure they were met, either by myself (usually the case), or at my work, or in relationship. I have accepted and embraced that I alone am responsible for my happiness and abundance.

The year started with a heinous divorce, where I strove at each turn to NOT be the victim, but instead stand strong and true to who I am and what I felt was right. It was a 9-month process of striving for absolute integrity and honoring my Self, which caused the other to buck and try and exert his “power” over me. In the end, the path of Truth is the most powerful, and the one I strive to stay on every day of my life.

It has been a year of starting new challenges, and loving my ability to focus and strive for a goal instead of shooting it down. I had gotten into the habit of shooting down anything in my personality which allows me be exceptional at something. Well, screw that! I am thankful for those traits, so long as I use them for good and don’t use them to solely please others. So long as I am driven by my heart, I can’t go wrong.

It was a year of being mostly single and truly learning to love being with myself.  Yes, I get lonely at times. Those times are brief, and I know that now, and I can choose to reach out to someone or go inward. I have come to realize that when we feel lonely is often when we have lost touch with our Selves.

Finally, it has been a year of truly allowing myself to embrace the parts of myself I have shunned, the parts of my personality that have led me astray in the past. I am finding that when I come from a place of self love, the parts of me that nearly killed me can now lift me up and lift up others in the process.

In 2016, I look forward to continuing to better myself, to embrace the changes and the challenges that come to me, and to love myself at every turn.

I just finished reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I felt compelled to share how I put what I learned to good use. First off, though, I want to mention that nothing in that book is new, per se. It rather confirms so much of what I have come to feel and to believe. It does put fear into a new light, and I rather like the concept of ideas as “beings”. Ultimately, it is life affirming, but this is not a review. This is a story of putting her book to good use!

So, she brings up near the end the concept of the martyr vs. the trickster. The martyr is the one who claims he would die for his art, and the trickster is the one who says, “pick a card, any card.” At least, I think that is how Elizabeth put it, but because of my wonderful trickster skills played on my daughter, I can’t grab the book to check.

See, my daughter  LOVES to read and write. She has written several novels on Google docs, scribbled in journals and on loose paper,  and God only knows where else, but she has never finished one. She won’t let me read them, nor anyone else, but I know she is uber talented  from some of the school assignments she has shared with me. She also is an amazing singer, but she is shy about getting out and sharing her beautiful voice  around town. She usually sings within a choir, and is slowly finding her voice, but hasn’t yet put herself out there, despite wanting to be a singer for a living.

Big Magic starts out talking about Fear, how Fear is always with us, but that it cannot drive the bus. In order to  live a full life, we can’t let Fear take control. I have wanted my daughter to read Big Magic since I picked it up a couple weeks ago. She is close to graduating high school and unsure  about what to do or how to do it when it comes to “adulting” and pursuing singing as a career. I mentioned the book to her and tried to put a neat spin on it, but my suggestion was just that. Another “task” from Mom to better herself, because she is not doing enough (likely her interpretation).

So tonight, we sat quietly across the den from each other after some bickering about something completely unrelated. I was finishing Big Magic, and she was reading a Harry Potter book for the umpteenth time. I finished the book, looked over, and said, “I dare you to read the first 27 pages of this book and NOT finish it,” grinning slyly. She replied with a grin that said, “I love a challenge,”…”Oh, while I am reading a book? Me?”

She grinned for a few seconds, locking eyes with me as if to gauge my intent, then put down her Harry Potter and accepted the offer. I added that she didn’t need to accept the challenge, implying that it would be ok to finish the book, but not actually saying that. Then, I walked away before I said anything else and ruined it all.

I think I might have gotten her to read this book at a time in her life when she is faced with multiple unknowns and is crippled with doubt about her abilities.

I managed to work the trickster into my parenting. In recollection, when I have had the inspiration to be cunning and playful like that were the times when I was able to best reach my daughter, or to at least get her to do something I wanted her to do.

Mission accomplished! I felt compelled to share  in my blog and with Elizabeth. As she says in her book, follow the inspiration. Or, rather, allow it to work through you.