What I want from you

‘It’s easy to reach out to someone who is loving you, because it relieves you of the duty of loving yourself.’ ~Amy Baker

I stayed away from intimate relationship for nearly a year for a reason. It’s hard. And not in the effort way. It’s hard because it brings up your shit. Insecurities and fears that lie dormant while you are single and taking good care of yourself suddenly crop up. And being in relationship is also EASY because when it’s good, we don’t have to give ourselves the loving we need to feel good. But that filling up from someone else’s overflowing cup is unsustainable.¬†

Conscious intimate relationship is incredibly hard, because it demands that you own all your shit, that you allow your vulnerabilities, and that you take full responsibility for your happiness. Therefore, you must get to know yourself. So, in a weird roundabout way, conscious relationship requires plenty of alone time to get to know oneself.

I have been thinking hard about what I want in relationship, and what kind of relationship I want, if any. I realized so many things these past two weeks, pondering over stuff while the man …shit, I don’t even know what to call him. I was calling him my beloved, but things changed in me recently, and I think they changed in him, but we haven’t had time to talk about it. I may have screwed up asking for an open relationship. What people don’t realize when I say I want an open relationship is that I am NOT asking for something flippant or on the side. I AM saying I want a relationship. It just is going to have different boundaries than the typical monogamous relationship.

And I actually realized that I don’t necessarily so much want an open relationship. I want the communication that I feel is necessary for that type of relationship to occur. So what I really want is someone and something REAL. I want to give my partner enough freedom so they can feel comfortable being themselves so I can see who they really are. I want to get to know the real person. And yet, it ends up backfiring. I guess I will have the same issues regardless….but I digress.

I have been feeling like I need to fix myself, like I can’t be broken in front of anyone, and that I only deal with my shit on my own, and there is a lot to be said for taking care of your shit on your own. But I think there is also a lot to be said for accepting that we are imperfect, and we have pasts that shape us in many ways. While we try to overcome those shadows, some we aren’t aware of yet, and others we just aren’t clear of. And that’s O.K.

For me, things get good, and I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. I recognize it every time, and just because it’s familiar, doesn’t make it easier. It’s often hard to tell how much is intuition, and how much is reactive programming.

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So, some things about me that I am accepting and telling partners about:

  1. I want and need open, honest, regular communication. Openness and honesty create intimacy with me, which creates trust. Lack of disclosure about who a partner is spending time with is pretty much a deal breaker. Is this largely due to being cheated on by my ex husband the whole 6 years we were together? Perhaps. But it’s what I want and need to feel emotionally safe and close to someone. If someone wants to get to know me, then they need to be open, upfront and honest about everything.
  2. I want to be wanted. It’s important to me that you want me in your life. If not, then why spend time together? I don’t believe in just filling an empty space. You know those sweet things that you did in the first month or so? Don’t stop. We aren’t done courting yet. Thinking of me? Please let me know. It feels good to know someone is missing you.
  3. Vulnerability is sexy, so long as you are owning your shit. So is knowing and expressing what you want. I strive to do that and don’t always succeed. You know what else is sexy? Admitting you were wrong. That is so hot!
  4. I like touch, and cuddling and sweet, tender kisses and hugs. I am not a sex object, and while I have a sex drive to match or beat yours, that is not the only thing on my mind and it doesn’t fill my heart like tender caresses and holding me like someone who is cherished. If you want to keep me around, be tender more than you are horny.
  5. I have fears. Despite all of the work I have done on myself, and all of the years of counseling, the fears come up. When things get really good and beautiful, I start waiting for the other shoe to fall. I don’t know how to stop it. I just know what it is and try my best not to react to those negative thoughts and feelings. It’s really more a sinking in my gut and a low-level vibration of panic. I fear that the one I am loving will not love me once he sees all of me, that somehow I am not lovable as I am. SO, I am working on loving all those pieces of myself. I actually like myself a lot, so not sure why this comes up so much.
  6. Just once, I would love if a man could see me falling apart over a fear (no matter how stupid), and just hold me and love me for being vulnerable, for doing my darnedest to work through all the mental crap I have dealt with over the years. If they only knew how much I have overcome. Love me for my weaknesses as much as my strengths, for my strength is born out of allowing and dealing with my weaknesses.

 

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102- Starting the day with a big cup of Self Love

Amazed at the difference self care makes in my life. Taking the time to sit and be still in the morning, whether it’s meditation or a little feldenkrais/body awareness exercises, the head is clearer, anxiety lessens, and life is brighter.

A healthy breakfast, calm time in the morning, a nice shower and a big cup of self love is all it takes to make the whole day brighter. That brightness carries over to every part of my life.

Often, I don’t make my daughter breakfast. I want her to start taking that initiative herself, but it often backfires. When she was smaller, it was different. She is starting high school soon, and it is hard to know how and when to teach self-reliance.

This morning, I took some time for myself, cleaned up my desk a bit, then offered her a nice breakfast. Considering she woke up in a bad mood, that bit of light helped brighten her day. Such a simple act, and so much easier to offer lovingly when I have nourished my body and soul first.

Self care is not selfish in a judgemental sense. Self love is celebrating the divine within you that is within everything. To deny yourself your divine being, you are less able to recognize the divine in everything else. We are all of the same material, source, energy.

To recognize that you are but one more unique and amazing manifestation of the divine allows a healthier and freer interplay with all of the other unique manifestations in this world.

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76- In the middle

In the middle, the juncture

The place where the words of loved ones battle for a place in my life

Let them battle. Let them have their say. I will not choose to follow either

Guided by more, I can no longer be the chameleon

Love meets judgement

In my inner child’s heart

A figment, a remnant of the falsehood I once embraced

Finding my way through a hall of mirrors

‘Incompetent, failure, false, shame, fear, judgement, guilt’

‘Joy, capable, competent, trustworthy, real, acceptance, Love…’

One reflection has no labels and looks nothing like Me, but feels like ME

In this mirror is All, a million stars, a love so expansive, it breaks all boundaries and yet holds All tenderly

Black shadows dancing, swirling, lunging, only to burst into a million more stars, and then a million more

Until all I know is All

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62- In Rhythm

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I think my body has been screaming at me, but not sure what it is saying. My heel kills me when I haven’t been standing for a while, or when I stand too long. My lower back always hurts, and … Continue reading

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