I met with my very special friend Amanda today, and we talked about a lot of things, but one is the programming of our mind that affects our reality. It takes a lot of work to be aware of what is coming up in your mind in response to things and not taking on those words as truth.
Then, the challenge is in deciphering what is patterning and what is truth? If it is negative, based in fear, shame, hopelessness, or anger, it is not truth. It is a patterned response to something in the past triggered by a current event.
A huge part of my personal growth right now is really sifting through the popcorn in my head, taking each kernel as it comes up and really digesting it. Each kernel holds a bit of truth, all the makings for a whole new plant. Foster it and love it, and it thrives. Heat it up under artificial conditions, and it explodes.
Many women have problems with detachment in a relationship. Everything is going fine, life is beautiful and love is blooming, and then out of the blue the other person gets closed off and distant. The feeling is of rejection, and the first thoughts are often,
“What did I do?”
“Why am I not good enough?”
“Why does this keep happening?”
When someone goes down the proverbial rabbit hole over something like this (and I am talking from experience), fear, anxiety, and shame come up. People often think it’s a reaction to a prior intimate relationship, a hard break up, a divorce, etc. If you look back, it may not be just one instance. Whatever the trigger and responses are, it could be rooted in a pattern in the way you were raised.
If you were raised where affirmation of your goodness came from being the way you were expected to be (vs. just being your beautiful, organic self), then withdrawal of attention and love by someone is interpreted as,
“I am not good enough.”
“I didn’t do enough.”
“I am somehow wrong.”
“I am not worthy of love.”
Underneath these thoughts are what I have been calling the voice beneath the voice. It is the belief that no longer takes form in your mind as words, but guides all of your actions regardless. These are core beliefs based largely on how we were raised, and reinforced by our actions, always driven by that belief. In actuality, it has nothing to do with you, what you did, or your worth.
For me, beneath all of the automatic thoughts that came up in my head, was a simple statement that came out when writing in my journal. During a tough night a month or so ago, I wrote out each thought, without judgement, to see what my mind was projecting. At the end of all of it, I wrote,
“I am not loveable. I will never be loved fully.”
This was the belief beneath the voice. At some point, my inner child felt this to be true, and it guided so many of my responses to the people in my life. Even knowing in my mind and heart that I am loveable, and trusting that I will experience mutual unconditional love, the child was screaming out. So I Listened. For every fearful, shameful, angry thought, I countered with love and compassion. I allowed myself to feel everything. I allowed myself (and still working on that one) to be exactly who I am at each moment.
As I shine light on what triggers these thoughts, I see the patterns in my life. I see the mirrors of those thoughts, which I thought was reality.
With the truth shining, I shatter each mirror, one by one.
Any judgement that comes up in your mind is not truth. It’s conditioning.
Catch it in mid-air, hold it and look at it. Call it out for what it really is, and with love and compassion, release it. Allow your version of reality to shatter so that you can see who you really are. Only then can you see the truth in others.
Allow yourself, love yourself enough to have it all be okay. Let the process unfold organically. Love every kernel for the truth each holds and they will sprout and thrive.