Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Heavens Opened Up and Poured Into My Heart

Posted on by
Reply

**This post is 2 months old, and I thought I had to write everything before posting….silly me

Joy is timeless, so InJoy!

I don’t know how to assimilate all of the goodness that is flowing into my life.

I opened the doors to what I want, and it’s all flooding in at once…. conscious relationships, dance, community, career success, financial stability, and something I never imagined….. having my whole reality shattered by a weekend of African dance.

Sounds odd, but bear with me, and you will understand.

Sometimes, I can’t tell if written words or spoken are better. Here is my Bathtime Musing #5, in case you prefer to listen:

Share

Bathtime Musing #3- YOUR Part in THEIR Lie

Posted on by
Reply

When we are being lied to, it is important to reflect on our part in the lie, especially as a parent and partner.

Share

Bathtime Musings #1: The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

It’s amazing what can happen in a short bath. I can never again say that I don’t have time for:

  1. a bath
  2. creativity

This all happened in a span of 45 minutes, including a chi machine jiggle after and what I am writing right now.

Listen here: 

  1. It’s so much better than the shower because: a) you CAN hear your voice; b) you can feel the vibration of your voice in the water and therefore on the surface as well as inside your body
  2. I’ve noticed that certain notes feel open on the left side of my face, and in order to open up the right side of my face, I have to go higher. And that, I can go incredibly high, incrementally, with an AAhhhh
  3. EEEs are so much harder than AAAhhhs to go high with

 

 

Share

Turn of the Tides

Posted on by
Reply

I had my heart opened up.

Just enough to let the light in.

He didn’t try to do it. He didn’t do anything but smile, dance, and then hold me sweetly. My body remembered the sweet grace of a warm embrace, the mutual sigh of contentment, if only for that one shared moment.

And right on the heels of the night, Doubt came galumphing along. Doubt is an insidious character, the elephant that never forgets an infraction by anyone (real or imagined).

Doubt lacks compassion. Doubt assumes the worst. It’s a real downer.

And Yearning also popped in for a visit, which only made Doubt more insidious.

Tired of the chatter and confliction, I went for a walk in the park, something I had not done for much too long.

Walking along the creek, something softened in me. That sound, that rushing, undulating current of water always softens my edges, washes away my crusty armor, and leaves me naked, ripe for the taking, if only I allow it time to work its magic.

The water surged, welling up in my eyes, across my forehead, and deep into the belly.

“What on earth am I sad about?”

And at that moment, it was clear. I was mourning the loss of Nature in my life, of MY nature…..the familiar turn of the tides in me that I have turned from in an effort to be strong, to leave the painful past behind, to turn my intention to the future, toward stability and growth.

I have made it so I don’t have time for my dear friend and confidante. I shunned her because she washes away my armor, she opens up my soul and leaves me naked, bared to anyone who can See.

It’s scary being vulnerable, being true and open and honest. It’s scary opening up after a heinous divorce and then being let down yet again.

It’s scary to trust myself, knowing I have let mySelf down so many times.

My friend, no matter how long I neglect her, is there, reminding me to remain sensitive, to trust in the evolution of process. She is there in my orchids that took 18 months to bloom, and Oh! How they bloomed! And she is in my herbs, and drooping plants, and bright plants, and in everything that grows and dies in my life.

And she spoke to me at the park.

“Stop, and listen. Hear the creek, the rhythm, let it beat upon your back. Let the air rush through your lungs. You are alive as you can be. Isn’t it glorious?!”

And she showed me her treasures….tiny flowers nestled in the knot of a tree, nature’s flowerpot, mini worlds of fungi, lichen and moss, solo flowers standing proud, and then a tall, smooth tree that beckoned me with it’s quiet, unassuming strength.

And I laid my face upon its smooth skin and let my tears fall, and it held me.

No judgement, no expectations, no words of advice. It just held me, supported me and welcomed my tears. And I wrapped my arm around the trunk, so thankful for the unconditional and ever-present love, support and acceptance of my dear friend.

“It’s been too long, my friend, too long.”

Share

What a True Blue Mentor taught me

Posted on by
Reply

My brain is on fire.

I just spent the past 2 days at the Oregon State Pharmacy Association conference in Eugene, Oregon, and I am both appalled and fired up about how broken our healthcare system is.

I want to write to you, anyone who will listen, about so much in pharmacy, in healthcare, in the advancement of our youth, in the development of our profession and leadership.

Somehow, it all starts with that One Person. For me, that is Bill Jones, a pharmacist who has spent his career questioning his profession. That may sound really odd, but those who question are the game-changers.

When I found out that Bill was speaking at this conference, I sought him out and would not leave his side. I consider him my pharmacy mentor, yet when describing him to someone, I couldn’t say exactly what he taught me.

bill and me

So, while he gave his talk “How much of a difference makes a difference?”, I jotted down what I had learned from him, both in my student rotation and through my residency. The list is pretty intangible, which is what makes it invaluable. I learned to bring Reality and Human Nature back into pharmacy:

  1. Honesty– I love truth and pharmacists rarely admit that they don’t know the answer, that they are lost, that they DO know the answer, that something doesn’t make sense, or that something is just plain Wrong. I learned it’s good and okay to be honest, that it opens doors to possibility.
  2. Passion– this man is devoted to what he believes and will tell anyone willing to listen. He doesn’t just talk to pharmacists. He talks to anyone and everyone about what he believes. He talks fervently and passionately. He does not shoot down your passion and yet he stands strong in his conviction. He sees injustice and isn’t afraid to call it out. Passion + Honesty is a powerful combination and not something everyone can handle, yet overall we love it. We want to be more like that!!!
  3. Taking the ego out of patient care. Bill is very aware of how we may appear as a profession to other healthcare professions, and he ALWAYS comes back to “What is best for the Patient?” It’s so easy to get caught up in titles and board certifications, and whether we are working our way up in the chain of command, but if the patient doesn’t benefit from our actions, WHY DO IT? He calls out the ego and the ways in which it disrupts our ability to take good care of the people who need our care and presence, the patients we SERVE.
  4. Think outside the box– While many pharmacists are doing “innovative” things in pharmacy, they aren’t innovative in healthcare. Bill is the first one to point this out. He makes me QUESTION the status quo and IMAGINE the POSSIBILITIES. It’s easy to think there is no other way, that our system is so locked in that we can’t do things differently. And it’s good to get out of that way of thinking!! It gives me hope for our profession, for my livelihood, and for our patients.
  5. When it came down to it, I realized Bill Jones embodies Humor, Humility, and Heart. 
    1. Yes, he is a self-professed cynic, but that’s because he has a huge heart and cares about the patients first and foremost. He is their advocate, and not a bleeding heart advocate, but a true blue advocate. For him, it’s not about getting the guidelines right, or doing everything perfect. Healthcare is messy, and whoever says otherwise has not been involved in patient care. It’s about the first oath of a healthcare professional, the Hippocratic Oath: First, DO NO HARM. (You know, I just realized that isn’t explicitly stated in the Oath of a Pharmacist, and I am frankly disappointed.)
    2. He is funny as hell. He isn’t afraid to say he wants a beer after the meeting, to call out the quirkiness of our profession, or the egoic ways some of us conduct ourselves. He calls out anyone who is full of sh*t with biting sarcasm and a big smile. He says it all from a place of humility that allows us to see it in ourselves, without judgement. Because it isn’t about US. It’s about the PATIENT….. and he keeps coming around and coming back around to that.

This man is my mentor not because he taught me how to be a pharmacist. He taught me what matters in Truly Making a Difference, which is to remove my ego from the equation.

He taught me it isn’t about doing the Wrong thing Well, but doing the Right thing.

 

 

Share

Effortless Cleaning

Posted on by
Reply

Well, I decided to do another day of the Year to Clear.

Even though I am 30 days behind, I am just doing what I can and what feels good. The goal is awareness, not just completing it “on time”. So, Day 26 is about moving things, moving stuck energy.

This was the message:

‘Moving things from one place to another – clothes from floor to drawer, dishes to dishwasher, attic treasures to Goodwill – moves stuck energy.

What is one thing you can move (clear) for one minute right now that could release some stuck energy?

What is one thing you can move (clear) for one minute today without judging it – or you – as bad?’

I started to put away dishes and straighten up the kitchen. I do it day in, day out. And while I rinsed dirty bowls and placed them carefully in the dishwasher, and closed cupboards and rinsed the sink, I remembered a few mornings ago, when I woke up, stumbled downstairs and started the coffee. While it was brewing, I simply put away all the liquor bottles from a cocktail party a couple weeks prior. They were new, so I had’t created a place for them.

I didn’t think about how much work it would take, and I didn’t berate myself for not having done it sooner. And it was SO EASY. Completely effortless and without thought.

It suddenly dawned on me. Often, the reason we don’t do things like clean up clothes, or mop or sweep, or any of those things that just seem to suck for whatever reason, is because we criticize ourselves for not doing it, or not doing it right, or letting the clutter happen in the first place, or whatever stupid freaking criticism or guilt trip our meanie inside decides to lay on us.

And it’s unnecessary. And it doesn’t help. And it stalls progress.

And it’s hard, at first, to move that stuck energy, but once you call out the inner meanie for what it is and approach your surroundings and relationships with compassion, it all becomes easier, bit by cleared bit.

Share

A Year To Clear, Day 25

Posted on by
Reply

Ok, it’s actually day 54 or something, but I haven’t been doing my daily “drip” of information. I could beat myself up about it, but I am not. That’s not what it’s about.

If you are already lost, I am doing A Year To Clear by Stephanie Bennett Vogt, an online program that gives daily tidbits, thoughts, videos, etc on clearing stuck energy in your life, typically in the way of clutter.

Today was a video talking about the sh*t that comes up when we try and clear clutter. It doesn’t always feel good.

I love when Stephanie said, ‘It’s not about getting it done. It’s about getting it!’

She talked about taking a clothing item that we haven’t worn for whatever reason but still hold onto, and just holding it in your lap for one minute. With compassionate awareness, notice what sensations and thoughts come up.

Well, the first thing that came up for me was that I was resistant to doing this, to meditation. Evidently, a lot of stuff from my divorce has not been processed, and I am not really interested in processing it. Yet, I keep getting signs from the universe to go there.

Next, I thought about time, and I had this dread of adding a task to my day. So, I thought to my closet upstairs and pictured a yellow, Indian style flowing dress that I have had for many years and never wore. Immediately, it was clear to me that this yellow dress represented a side of me I was afraid of losing.

 

I realized in that instant that I was afraid of getting rid of the dress because that would mean losing that flowing, feminine, gypsy side of me, that free-loving wild soul from San Francisco that I so miss and adore.

Of course, that’s absurd, but we make these odd connections to our STUFF. Evidently, in order to be able to clear the stuck energy around this dress, I need to first be aware of this relationship, and then I need to allow myself to be that free-spirited gypsy girl more often. yellow dress

Compassionate Awareness leads to Unstuckness.

Amazing how all these years, I go through my closet to see what to get rid of, and in the TASK and DOING, I never made the energetic connection to why I was actually holding on to it. And the best thing about this exercise, is I never even had to go upstairs and into my closet. It helps, but an energetic connection does not need physical connection.

I would love to hear if you try this, and what happens for you. If you are interested in the online course, go HERE.

Share

Ah, Integrity….how BeautyFull you are

Posted on by
Reply

It’s curious to me the thoughts that pop into my head as I am putting on my mascara, or especially as I am driving to work, or driving in general. An incident the other day got me thinking hard about Integrity.

You know that feeling in your gut when you have said something, yet you do another? For me, it’s like a knot tying tighter and tighter the longer I am out of integrity. I believe that uneasiness, that Dis-Ease, is one thing that contributes to disease.

What is integrity? Google says this:

in·teg·ri·ty

inˈteɡrədē/

  1. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. “he is known to be a man of integrity”
  2. the state of being whole and undivided. “upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty”
For me, being in integrity means that my words and my actions match. That requires honesty, transparency, and commitment to doing the right thing. It’s no small order. When you commit to something, you follow through. That means don’t over-commit.
I like to under-commit and over-deliver. It’s oh so very important to me that people can trust my word. How else can I trust others if I am not trustworthy? And often that means saying NO, not committing, under-committing, or backing out because you over-committed. It sounds backwards, but it will relieve a lot of stress in your life if you acknowledge your limitations, or that place in you that says, “now is not the time for that.”
As I have embraced this concept and practice in my life, things have shifted, and it hasn’t always been easy.
My marriage ended, my job changed, I took on more education, I embraced old parts of me, and shed others. I took on new responsibilities and jobs. Some friendships died, and others blossomed.
The more I embrace living in my truth, the more ease I have in my life. 
I am a pharmacist by profession. I am also a dancer, a poet, a blogger, a mom, etc, etc. My profession pays my bills, supports my daughter and myself, keeps me at the forefront of healthcare, and ideally keeps me mentally engaged. Well, I realized shortly after graduating from pharmacy school how messed up our healthcare system is in this country. No diatribe needed. I think we all know that most medication will not cure your ills. It prolongs the inevitable and brings on more dis-ease. It is typically a band-aid, and a poor one at that. In fact, they used to call what pharmacists do “Disease State Management”….sound sexy and appealing? Would you want to do that day in and day out?
That realization put me on a slow and arduous path toward a way of using my skills and knowledge to help others help themselves. It started with the loss of my job and 5 months of unemployment. At the same time, I lost my home and was looking at living in a shelter on Maui with my young daughter. It was rough, but I knew it had to happen. I knew there was something better on the other side.
What was not authentic in my life was falling away. Nature abhors a vacuum, so goodness spilled right in.
I believe our medical system DisEmpowers patients. It puts the power and knowledge in the hands of the provider and does not seek to educate patients, nor to empower them to make their own healthcare decisions.
I am fiercely independent, and I believe everyone has the right and the ability to make their own decisions, with the right information and someone to teach them how to be their own advocate.
That is why when I learned about Beautycounter, I was instantly drawn in. This is a company whose whole mission is based on Truth, Beauty, and Transparency.
beautycounter shipment
I have been and continue to choose to align myself with people and companies who are in integrity. It’s a daily, lifelong process of aligning myself with Truth. I just got my first shipment of Beautycounter products today…. will let you know how it goes.
Share

Finally Coming Home

Posted on by
Reply

Dare I say, I am proud of myself. Not for doing anything grand or big, but for finally honoring myself and committing to something I have wanted to do for way too long now.

When I moved to Ashland, Oregon from Maui nearly 3 years ago, I was excited to learn of a small dance company right down the street from me. It turns out Moment In Time Dance Company‘s director and choreographer Rosalind Schrodt also trained with Bill Evans, and she had a company in Santa Fe for some time. We had many commonalities that made it seem like such a good fit. My marriage and something inside of me kept me from continuing there, despite the desire to make dance a part of my life. I attended a couple of classes at Dancing People Company and thoroughly enjoyed them, but for many reasons didn’t make it back on a weekly basis.

I have committed to my fellowship, to a 90 day Challenge where I worked out diligently 6 days a week, committed to my work, and even to helping teach social dance classes at a couple local venues. Yet, I wasn’t committing to my first true love. Part of the reason I committed to the challenge was to get strong enough to dance again with less risk of injuring myself. YET, I still am not dancing.

I decided at the end of 2015 that I really wanted to perform again. I don’t really care much the venue, but I was thinking some type of movement performance. Well, a Moment In Time Audition showed up on my Facebook feed a couple weeks ago. How could I not do it?

Well, I haven’t been dancing consistently for 11 years. That right there says a lot. I had many reasons why I should or could not go, but none of them were convincing enough. I decided to at least dust off the cobwebs and allow myself to have the opportunity to dance, no pressure. Before going, I dug out my old toeshoes and ballet slippers. They still fit!

toeshoesIt felt good to be with dancers, to feel my body and my feet on the Marley floor. It felt good to perform movements that were familiar, that I had performed in some form or fashion thousands upon thousands of times. It was a small group, and we danced well together.

Classes and rehearsals start Monday (tomorrow).

What’s amazing about this opportunity, is that it’s like coming home. I have had so many new things come up in my life the past couple years. A new relationship, a marriage, a divorce, a new job with all new responsibilities, a new town where I don’t have long standing friendships to anchor into, and new activities I am learning. Yet this, even though I have to get to reknow my body’s capacities….THIS I know.

I feel so much energy freed up from wondering if and when and how I was going to dance (despite having the whole local schedule typed out into Excel). I feel like I can focus on everything else now. The dance will happen, 2-4 times a week. No expectations, no timeline, except hopefully a performance or two in April, potentially more.

I can’t wait to share my love of dance, to honor it regularly with those like me who just can’t put it aside…who won’t put it aside.

I am reconnecting with my first true love, and while our relationship has changed, it is every bit stronger. I have fewer expectations, and more appreciation for it’s role in my life.

Let the dancing begin!

 

 

Share

A Year to Clear

Posted on by
Reply

As is par for the course on a New Years Day, I slept in. Thankfully, I remembered to turn off my alarm, and at 10am, I awoke, with crusty eyes, swollen hands, and an internal panic of all that I “have” to do.

Insert big EXHALE here.

Let me start over. I know 2016 is going to be big. 2015 was huge. I let go of a lot and brought in so much that I now don’t have enough hours in the day to do all that I brought into my life and would LOVE to do! It’s a real problem, folks.

I wake up, and my mind starts with, you “should” do yoga. That’s a healthy way to start the day, every day. You shouldn’t drink coffee. It’s hard on your adrenals. You really should go play on your pole. Don’t sit down on the computer right away without stretching and being active first. And on and on… I think I have an internal mother on overdrive.

And then I think of all that I want to DO in my life.

  • I want to dance more, like full dancing, with jumps and leaps, and performing, and pirouettes, and floorwork, and all the pain and beauty I remember.
  • Oh, and I have a pole downstairs that I want to learn to use, but for some reason am not.
  • I want to write more, so I think a daily blog again would be good.
  • I started a fellowship, so I know I need to study.
  • Of course, I want to somehow turn that into a business where I actually help people be healthier, vs. approve medications that are prescribed by other people and that I know are making them sicker.
  • Oh, and I want to be healthy and strong, so I want to keep up the workouts in the gym, and of course the meal prepping.
  • Perhaps I might do a figure competition as well.
  • Somewhere in there, I really want to have more close relationships with people. Yet I am reticent to have a relationship outside of myself. I want to let people in….slowly.
  • I want to clear the clutter in my home….starting with the file drawer full of things to file…and I need to download my quicken for the YEAR and figure out what is biz and not…and organize so I can study, so my heartrate doesn’t quicken in panic every time I walk in the office….
  • And all of those things take Time, …and Focus…. and Presence.

And yet, I am remembering going through some of my old posts last night after coming back from New Years festivities. So many of the posts are about Surrendering to the unknown, to letting the current image of things as we think they should be fall away. They are about Trust, Self Love, and BEing.

So, I sit down with my coffee, open up my computer, and this page is looking at me (which I opened last night)

A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back!
Premium on-line course by Stephanie Bennett Vogt
(9,538 people have taken this course)
 

This is a 365-day on-line course available from Stephanie Bennett Vogt. We will email you when your new lesson is available and you will be able to login and read each lesson on-line or print as they become available and click to listen to the guided audio meditations. Your first lesson will be available immediately after you enroll.

“The journey is the treasure.”-Lloyd Alexander

 

Well, I took it as a sign, and I signed up. Part of me thought, “Amy, there you go committing to yet one more thing,” and the other part of me said, “It needs to happen. It will help me focus on what is most important each day, help me in seeing that I don’t have to do it all every day, that it’s ok to let some things go so other things can come in.”

So, no New Years Resolutions, except maybe to ALLOW my Self to be all that I imagine and more, or less than I imagine, and to trust that letting go of what I imagine will allow something I cannot imagine because it is a whole new way of being.

I like the sound of that!

What is on your mind as we head into 2016?