So often, I read posts/articles that truly sing to me, and I think, “Yes! Yes! They hit the nail on the head with that one. How can I top that?”
This one on Soulmates sang to me, really sang to me, although it left me with no resolution. It talks not about those soulmates that make you sick, like Alex and Allison Grey, whom I saw talk Friday night, and who have been together since one fateful night 37 years ago. This article talked about the Soulmates who come into your life as lessons in action, as reflections of each other’s deepest hurts and biggest obstacles to happiness. The Greys’ partnership is beautiful, and I honor it wholly, and part of me (the child) asks, “Why not me?”
The parent in me says, “Evidently you just aren’t ready yet. You still have too much to learn.”
Another child aspect of me feels maybe I don’t deserve that kind of love, that somehow I am not as special as these people, that for some reason I need to “earn” that love.
The more enlightened part of me “knows” that there is no earning involved, and that part recognizes the hurt child in me crying for the love I have not yet given myself. My self-judgement is, in itself, proof that I don’t fully love myself. If we can’t fully love ourselves, we can’t accept the love of others.
Nothing is more taxing, more pressing, more damning than loving someone who brings out every flipping pain body you have. We came together so beautifully, like THIS. From the instant I met this person, I felt more whole, more grounded yet ethereal, more alive than ever before. And it didn’t require the presence of that person. Simply the reflection of my divine self proved to me that, Yes, I AM Love, and I deserve Love, and I can BE Love.
And then our SHIT came up. Not mine. Ours.
The child in me is frozen in fear. She wants to run screaming from it all, but she doesn’t know where to run, so she sits, stands, sleepless, feeling like a trapped animal. The mind’s eye darting around, seeking safe shelter from the pain that is triggered, the pain of a child that had no voice, that was too young to make sense of what was happening. That child only knew one way to feel safe, and that was to make her daddy happy so that she could get the love she so needed and wanted.
She so need(s) to be wanted.
Our coming together was so beautiful, so easy, so uplifting, so timely, so…soo..soooooo everything. It’s so easy to trust in the divine unfolding when there is such beauty and ease in your life. Why question divine love? Why question the reflection of your beauty in each other’s eyes?
But when suddenly your weaknesses and your hurt child is what is reflected, it is easy to want to turn the other way, to run screaming, to yell at that reflection and tell it to, “Go Away! You remind me of all in me that is weak, all that holds me back, everything that makes my heart bleed. You are all that makes me shrink in the world, all that makes me small and insignificant.”
It is absolutely exhausting to learn to embrace that hurt child, to go into my darkness and feel it, to trust that I won’t die there, to trust that my dark side is part of what makes me whole.
Will my current soulmate stay in my life? Always, for he is a reflection of me, and I of him, in all of our beauty and all of our pain. The beauty I have experienced is mine to cherish, and even though I long so, so, soooo deeply to feel that connection again, I did have it at one time. It’s there, just in a different form. It’s mine to hold close, my wholeness, my bliss, my knowing of interconnectedness to the whole.
My Beloved is within me. I am the Beloved, and I am thankful for my beloved coming into my life and reflecting that back to me.
Today, I embrace my mirror. Today, I let go of the need to run away. I am tired. I surrender. I no longer wish to try and make it “right.” My daddy is not here. And no matter what I internalized as a child, my daddy does love me as I am. There is no need to make him okay with me. There is no need to make the world okay with me. I belong in this world just as we all do, and I do myself and others injustice by not embracing myself.
Today, I love myself as the Beloved.