Pity Party

***saved this for some time, but working on being raw, so I am releasing it, as it no longer has any hold on me.***

It’s a pity party kind of afternoon. Movement certainly moves emotions, which is probably why I didn’t move for 5 months. I mean, not more than the typical jaunt to the loo, or to the frig, or to the shower. Maybe a few rolls in the hay. Basic life stuff happened. And that’s about it.

Oh, and I fell for a man.

And then, after 6 months of not feeling he was really into me, all while we were hanging out, and I ended my celibacy…not because he asked me to, but because I wanted to.

With him.

Yep, the whole 6 months, I just didn’t feel he was into me, and I finally shared my feelings in a heaping mess of tears. I essentially broke it off, because my conclusion was that he wasn’t into me, so why should I invest myself so much? Inside, I was begging for him to tell me I was wrong, to allay my fears. But no, he was just sweet and tender, like I wanted him to be all along. He reached out to me and caressed my hair, and held me lovingly. And I realized that’s what I had been wanting more of the whole time, that emotional presence.

That was three weeks ago. We didn’t talk for a week, and I was feeling like an ass, so I asked to talk to him on Mother’s Day, and it was good, and I thought we were on the same page. I apologized, I expressed my feelings, I cried. He was sweet and attentive, like I wanted…. I thought we were going to try to continue dating, but I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half…. Ok, one thing that you gotta know about me. I am a bit obsessive, but it’s not just about guys. It’s anything I am interested in. I love to dive in and get to know a person, a subject, a movement form, whatever catches my interest. And, I had been the main person keeping this relationship moving forward. So, I figured I would wait until I heard from him…..and every day I woke up wondering what was wrong with me, why was I so sad, why was I so attached? Why the hell has he not texted or called? Why did it matter if he contacted me? What is this sadness? Why the hell has he not reached out to me? Why can’t I just be mad at him? That’s always the easy way to move on….the easy way to move on.

Maybe I don’t want to move on.

I want to move in…to me.

I have lots of energy lately. I have worked out, and hiked, and generally been energetic and full of life and focus and interest, and it’s beautiful. Today, I even had the energy and actual desire to clean some of my home! Seriously, I don’t clean. I have a housecleaner come very 2-3 months. Otherwise, I spot clean. Maybe it was all that cleaning, that moving, that did it.

Sadness, moving up and through me. I wish I could understand it. I don’t want it right now, but I let it out anyway. And I am alone, so incredibly alone, and it’s beautiful and sunny out. Life’s been dull for months. I should be outside, hiking, running, laughing, using my body! Yet, I am in my house, pacing, pacing… so I walk to the park. I look at my phone.. no text from him still..how many days? Last Wednesday, so 10 days. Ouch. Six months of nearly every day to Nada. Zip. Abyss.

Go on a walk, yes, go on a walk outside. It will make you feel better. Do I take the phone? How about the journal? I am feeling inspired to write, but I want to move, and I don’t want to carry much. But I might want to take pictures, so do I take the phone? No, because then you will wonder why he hasn’t texted you. So I grab the journal, and the phone, and then I put them down and untether.

And I walk to the park, crying, moving, crying, wondering what the hell is going on inside my own self. And it’s hot and beautiful out, the sun burning through me. It cools my tears.

A chime in a near distance, and my heart quickens, all senses alert. In the next instant, I realize that what I thought was the sound of a text on my phone was a wind chime, a beautiful, sweet, tinkling wind chime. I am an addict! Like Pavlov’s dog, I wait for that little hit of dopamine, that microgram dose of affirmation that someone is thinking about me, that perhaps someone likes me, that I am not utterly and pathetically alone. And I am glad I left the phone at home…..

Because a pity party is best alone, at least to start. And a pity party can only continue without distractions from what’s bubbling up inside. And it can also only end without distractions from the outside.

And I wondered during my walk, and sitting and leaking tears on the park bench, how we can BE on the inside. I mean, we are inside of ourselves, but we spend so much of our time outside of ourselves, and living our lives according to the outside. It seems so simple, but it’s freaking profound.

And I will spare you from the million thoughts that raced through and around my head during that eternally short time on the bench, but it became clear that I want to know myself from the inside, to live more on the inside, or rather From the inside out.

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Bathtime Musing #2: The Fall of Exaltation

You know the post-performance (or post-project) blues? They hit me within hours of the end of my first weekend of performances in 11 years. Here are my thoughts on that…. direct from my watery tub.tub

While I wanted to edit this one, I didn’t. Please pardon the abrupt ending.

 

 

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Co(s)mical life

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I got busy with the Hurricane Sandy deployment and couldn’t keep up with the posts, but I will go back and post the pics, because it was an awesome experience. TONIGHT,… tonight…. I have felt so many waves of emotion. … Continue reading

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113- You Cannot Drown In LOVE

Another inspired by a Facebook post. Original quote:

“Reason is powerless in the expression of LOVE.”
Rumi….. ♥

My thoughts:

Love is not rational. Love flows. What a wonderful way of being, to remember life is not black and white.
To try and rationalize “what is love” or “is this love” puts a damper on the true expression.
Flow with it. Let it sweep you away like the currents, and surrender to the beauty. You cannot drown in Love. ~Amy Baker

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111- Going Down the Rabbit Hole To Uncover My Emotions

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Facebook has been quite the source of inspiration for me lately. In my feed are really only positive affirmations, food for thought, life affirming statements and pictures. One page, Meditation, has posted some really great stuff. The following is a … Continue reading

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104–Falling

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My reflection I see In your adoration. My beauty Expressed through your love. Impermanent. A wavering pool of emotion. Waiting for the stone to drop. Plop Ripples, waves Attempts at stillness Create more waves of emotion. Waiting, Hoping, To see … Continue reading

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85- How do you fill up?

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I have been feeling very full in my belly lately, which makes it hard to feel hunger. I talked to my therapist about it, and she pointed out all of the extremely emotional events I had been through that week, … Continue reading

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79- Is it okay?

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Sometimes, I feel like I am overreacting. Like my stress is unwarranted. Yet, I can’t deny the absolute overwhelm I feel. Times like these (now), I want to crawl into bed and sleep until life is safer. It’s then that … Continue reading

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69- Making a list come to life

Have you ever given yourself credit for all your action in the world?

Yesterday, I decided to document my day, so I wrote down everything I did. If I turned on the fan so I didn’t roast, I did that. Any task, I wrote down. As I did this, I started to notice certain bodily feelings and emotions around certain actions.

I highlighted my interaction with my daughter in one color, physical sensations in another. I noticed that interaction with certain people caused my chest to tighten, making it hard to breathe, and I noted that when I read an email from a special person, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

These sensations are not small. They are what make up our daily existence.

My documentation became a vivid and dynamic representation of my body’s response to the daily events of my life.

From here, I hope to bring my attention in more to how my body is feeling, since the body never lies. And then I can ensure that I fill my life with what and who is loving and life-affirming.

 

 

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50- Rage is my compass

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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha Pondering anger, its origin, its purpose, and its power. When anger comes up, … Continue reading

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