It’s not that I don’t want you

To my current and future lovers…..

It’s not that I don’t want you, that I wouldn’t welcome calling you mine. Au contraire. I want nothing more than to be someone’s beloved…. to be held deeply in the heart of one I call my beloved.

It’s that I don’t want the relationships I have had, and so in order to not fall into those patterns again, to create something I don’t fully know yet, I must break the mold and start anew. Crush the clay and rebuild. 

And so I risk losing you so that I can avoid losing myself in you, for surely if that happens, I have lost you already, or will lose you soon. No, I would have lost you from the beginning, for if you stayed, it would be for the wrong reason, the wrong person, like so many others in my past.

Yes, I risk losing your love so that I may ensure I stay whole in myself, for then I have all of me to give to you. And if you leave a whole person, then surely it was not meant to be and I will have nothing to lose, for I kept myself whole.

What a beautiful thought….2 whole people merging to become more than they are alone…. yet staying separate and whole throughout it all. I want to know that I have given all of me to you, in those moments of merging. And I want to receive all of you.

That is beauty.

That is truth.

That is what I want.


I told my mom tonight I am putting myself in the fire (of relationship). I am not sure how or if I can handle the person I am with being with another person intimately. I don’t know that I can handle being with more than one person intimately. It’s not really about that, to be honest. It’s about being in that uncomfortable space, that place that causes so many of us to dive into the “comfort” of monogamy. It’s predictable, or so we think.

I told my mom that I have jealousy issues that come up when I am in a monogamous relationship. Yes, I have jealousy issues, so I have decided to put myself in relationship where I may be sharing my partner. Why?! Because it is the only way I can get over it.

For me, it is about communication, about allowing myself the time to experience what comes up for me with the space to work through it. I know flirtation happens, and affairs happen, and people are attracted to each other for whatever reason. Sometimes, we confuse emotional or even cerebral attraction with sexual. Sometimes, drawing that boundary around the relationship creates a tension that actually draws a person more toward what is “forbidden”. Take away that invisible boundary, and the tension dissolves. Then, you can see the attraction/energetic pull for what it really is.

What if we allowed ourselves to have whatever connection felt right with someone, and did not stop it because of fear of what our partner may or may not think? What if we were supportive of the other having these relationships?

I love knowing that my current partner and I have options to be with other people and still spend precious time with each other. There is never obligation, only desire and enjoyment. I love that. We allow each other choice, with compassion and forgiveness, every day.

He owes me nothing, and I expect nothing. I want honesty and openness and will draw the line there, but I can’t expect it of him. Just one day at a time. It’s scary, because my fear says he will not find me interesting enough to stay….Yes, the tears on my cheek as I type tell me this is true…that I have this deep-seated fear that I am not lovable. That can’t be true, since I had 3 men want to marry me. I just was with men who didn’t love themselves, and I did not love myself enough to stay whole. Everyone is lovable. Everyone deserves love.

It’s time to come together with someone in a whole-hearted, whole-bodied manner.

So far, it’s going great.

Not always comfortable, certainly not familiar, but most definitely right.


Bathtime Musing #4- Beautiful Men

So much goodness in my life, reflected in the people I am meeting, especially in the quality of men entering my life.

Thanks to my ability to be fully me, they now have a vessel to give to.



He twisted my brain in a beautiful way…

My bestie and I were coming to the end of our text chat, as we so often do, living a 3-hour time difference apart. I texted, “Enjoy your dinner,” to which he replied,

” Enjoy your dreams.”

Normally, that would have been a “sweet dreams”, to which I would smile softly inside and then go home feeling properly tucked in, so to speak. This struck a completely different chord in me. First, I had the vision of actually sculpting and fashioning my sleeping dreams that night, really eating them up and making things happen.

But then, what are dreams but the soul’s manifestation of its desire? So, to enjoy our dreams is to LIVE our dreams…. not just in our sleep, but in our daily lives. And to enjoy our dreams is to be IN JOY with our heart’s desires.

So often, our dreams become our worst enemy. We think of how we aren’t living our dreams, so just the thought of that which makes us happy, ends up bringing us down. BUT, what if we stop feeling that we are, or are not, living our dreams and instead simply ENJOY that which makes us happy?

I love to dance. I love to think about dancing, to envision it, to dream about it, analyze it, flow with it. I dance with others, or with myself, in movement or in stillness. It is always with me. It is a part of me that connects me with that which is bigger than me. Call it the Divine if you will, or God. It is my portal to Heaven.

For 20 years, I have beat myself up for not dancing more, for letting my dream fall to the wayside while I pursued an advanced degree. The thought of dance (and anything that I love but am not doing) has brought me pain simply because I judged myself for not DOing them more.

The more I enjoy that Love of dance, that Joy in Movement for just that, for the feeling I get, for the connection it offers me, for how it lights up my body, heart and soul, the more I am living my dreams and loving my life. The more I enjoy the plants I have and not worry about the fact that I haven’t planted that garden yet, the more likely I am to actually plant and cultivate what I can.

The seed was already planted. Cultivate it, day by day, little by little.

So, there will be no sweet dreams tonight. Instead, there will be Joyfull dreams of all that makes my heart sing, and tomorrow the dream continues….living IN JOY with all in my life that brings me happiness, connection, peace and love.

Amazing how a small change in how something is said can twist your brain into seeing everything in a whole new light. Totally LOVING that!


12.21.12: The Day the World Ended….As We Knew It

12.21.12 was truly the day my world ended as I knew it.

I started a whole new book in my life. I am filled with so much love and appreciation, hope and light. The shift to all that I dreamed occurred. That internal shift is being reflected back at me at every turn, in every moment of my days.
So thankful to those who have helped bring me to this point, to those who explored the depths of pain and suffering with me, and to those who continued to see my light when I couldn’t, to those who patiently stood by, held space for me, supported my effort to transform my existence into something more TRUE to my essence.
I realized True Love in a man so full of life and love, a man that reflects back all of my inner beauty, and I his. I raised to a new vibration, and he saw me. It was finally time for us to come together, even though we had been circling each other for over a year.

We are writing a new book together, and it’s going to be amazingly beautiful. It already is!

Thank you, Universe, for providing me all of the lessons, however harsh, of the past few years that prepared me for a love so deep and true.

I bow fully in gratitude to the beauty of the universe we create every moment of our existence. May every human being feel great love within and see it reflected from without.


146- I am Engaged to My Self


September 25th, I remembered some events in my past that had a profound effect on me. With that memory, and the current commitment to be more intimate with myself, came the remembrance of my engagement to myself on October 17, … Continue reading


143- So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.


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This excerpt of T.S. Eliot’s work from Four Quartets: The East Coker speaks to my need for silence, and the innate uncomfortable-ness of that space between the light and the dark. It is in the anticipation of what lies beneath … Continue reading


128- It’s OK If You Aren’t OK


Now that I am realizing that my M.O. has been to make things OK for other people, I am more and more aware of where this has seeped into my life. My partner has pointed out that I am good … Continue reading


127- A New Take on Soulmate


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So often, I read posts/articles that truly sing to me, and I think, “Yes! Yes! They hit the nail on the head with that one. How can I top that?” This one on Soulmates sang to me, really sang to … Continue reading


124- Intimacy: The Mirror


The concept of intimacy has been coming up a lot in my life and in my therapy lately. Back in June, I was experiencing some amazing intimacy, and I felt that instead of losing myself in this person, I was … Continue reading


121- The Ego Tells Us Love is Limited


If you employ greedy thoughts in your doing of good works, this is what’s known as a case of the seeds being impure. If you use a mind which takes pleasure in supremacy over others in the doing of good … Continue reading