109- Who moved my mirror?

My good friend Amanda came over today. I always love when we visit. She is a sunshiney person, and even on a rough day, she lights up my world when we are together.

We talked about certain feelings like abandonment, and about annoyance with certain qualities or actions of people close to us. She reminded me that these feelings are mirrors to what we dislike in ourselves.

The greatest abandonment issues always go back to having abandoned yourself.

~ Sidonie Bouchet (www.soletosoulsex.com)

The above quote showed up in Facebook today, reminding me of our discussion. Truly, when we feel abandoned, it is because we are not fostering our own selves. When we do not show up for ourselves, we rely more on others to feel good about life and about ourselves.

I have been having issues of feeling rejection. While I know it is not rejection that is happening, it is “interesting” that I am feeling this. In actuality, it really sucks to feel this. I know a lot of it is patterning, but I have been having a hard time pulling myself out of that thinking. Lately, I have talked a lot about my inner child. It seems that there are some issues to bury there.

I can’t help but wonder if somehow I am rejecting myself. I feel that in some ways, I have abandoned or rejected myself lately, both in my image of myself and my approach to my life.

I went from feeling very much a divine being, full of positive manifestation and love, to the person I knew and am trying to un-become. I reverted, seemingly rejecting the person I was becoming.

And I hadn’t even realized I was going down the slippery slope until just now.

Now, how to get back on that slope and get some footing? I had been thinking that so much of where I was at was due to someone special in my life, for his love and attention affirmed where I was at and catapulted me into the next stage. When dynamics changed, I felt lost, but it was all me, all along. I just don’t have the same reflection in my mirror.

My mirror is now reflecting back my rejection of the divine. I felt that I had been denied, but only I can do that. Only I can deny my divinity, and it seems I have. So, time to find a way to get back in touch with that, whatever it takes.

I want to keep moving forward. I want to go through the chrysalis and come out a whole other being. I want to leave behind all that has held me back, all the doubts and insecurities and patterns of holding.

Instead, I will shine love and light, first on myself, and then on others.

I will approach myself with compassion and generosity, for only then can I demonstrate true compassion to others.

My lover will be myself, and she will receive unconditional love, endless hugs, and lots of self care.

Only then will I again attract the energy I want, for then it will simply be a matter of attracting those of the same vibration.

  • jeffrey

    Aloha, Auspiciously Aimed Amy… upon reading your latest sharing of laudable transparency, I suspect there’s something in us that knows that we have taken the originally neatly wound, harmoniously wholey ball of life/existence, and through all our highest and best intentions have utterly and unnecessarily snarled and entangled ourselves in our mind’s ideas about it all. With mutually compassionate intent, I would be very forthright and blurt out that perhaps it is, after all, possible to try too hard… and that such expenditures of energy arise from a fear, which itself arises from a lack of faith-awareness that there really is a great Watchamacallit/Self/Essence that knows how to live this life, and is capable of taking us—even moreso than our small conditioned personal selves are capable of taking us— to where it is always taking us anyway.
    I have heard numerous “teachers” (whatever those may be) state that of primary importance in the spiritual way is *relaxation,* *effortlessness,* openness, release, surrender, etc. As such, it may be quite beneficial for us to set an intention to be conscious whenever tension or constriction arises anywhere in us, and to intend to notice the self-created/self-imagined source/seed which has resulted in producing such tension. Some say this is a very beneficial foundation of awareness for a conscious spiritual path.
    I only offer these words because I am *always* looking at this same tendency in myself… and this may be a ‘practice’ that never ends for me, and that’s okay. As long as tension arises in me, I am aware that it behooves me to notice it and see if I can lift the lid to peek in and see what is creating that tension, and are its underpinnings true? … or merely conditioned/imagined?
    Blessings, my dear sublime reflection of timeless perfection unfolding to ever-clearer seeing and ever-deeper tranquility, Amy… 😉 Jeffrey

    • Oh, Jeff! You make my heart and soul smile with your words, insight, and acceptance!
      Yes, I have been trying too hard, and I have become entangled, and to know this and feel utterly trapped in the web regardless is oh so confusing and frustrating! Relax, I will. Talk to my inner child, I will. I live in Haiku and would love to hang out anytime. I always enjoy exchanges with you!
      Blessings and much love!

      • Jeffrey

        🙂 Yay! … and… (ahem!) guess what… I havta move those books out of that Kahului storage space by the end of the month of July (packing up)! Hmmm… wonder where they’ll land next?

        • That’s tomorrow!
          Let me know. I would be more than happy to help!

  • T MC

    “…annoyance with certain qualities or actions of people close to us. She reminded me that these feelings are mirrors to what we dislike in ourselves.” I whole-heartedly believe this. It’s informed my own Dharma practice and development for sure.

    • Aloha, and thank you for commenting! This is such a powerful practice, and something that can easily overtake you or easily slip. As my friend Jeff says, it is more about relaxing into it. The understanding will come with increased, consistent awareness.
      Blessings to you.