(I really wish this audio was uploadable….because it really catches what I am feeling so much more than the words will… the pauses, the intonation, the sighs…etc)
My usual MO is to plan right now…to plan my mornings, find a goal, set a goal, figure out how to do it. I don’t want to plan anything. I don’t know if they call that depression. I don’t want to do a thing, and I have so much I could do…
“I could wake up early and go work out…” -what’s the point?
“I could get up and do yoga…- but what’s the goal?
“I could get up and dance” – but I honestly want to just sleep.
I don’t have a lot of energy. I’m tired of being sick.
I don’t want to feel my body.
There’s something there.
(Sigh)….and if I feel my body, I’ll have to feel it. I can certainly sense my resistance…to feeling.
Feeling the same downers as I did after a big show. You prep and prep, live the goal day by day, chip away at everything that is a distraction, until the big event comes. For me, it was always dance shows. This last time, it was the end of the Oxygen Magazine 90 day challenge and the hope of making the top 20, maybe even the cover. I didn’t make the top 20, by the way, but I am kind of glad. I needed a break from everything. Although, if I had made the top 20, I would have embraced it. Either way, It’s ALL GOOD.
I had knee issues crop up, and I was just plain tired after waking up at 4 am 5 days a week and busting my ass in the gym. I pushed hard, I didn’t miss one workout the whole 90 days. My meals and macros were on point pretty much the whole time. I didn’t drink alcohol for the last 5-6 weeks. I felt amazing the last official workout before I took my AFTER photos. That expression is PRIDE, pride in myself for seeing it through, for giving it my all, for committing FULLY to myself and my goal. No excuses, to me or anyone else.
So, NOW WHAT??!!!
I think of doing a competition, and it’s exciting. I love the life, having a plan and sticking to it.
I love working on something similar day in and day out and noticing the changes in myself from day to day, week to week. When you do an activity regularly, you become more aware of how every part of your life affects your health. Then, my knees start talking. My adrenals start talking. Both are telling me to lay off of them a bit.
I started this so I could get stronger for dance, aerial, yoga, acroyoga, etc. YET, I didn’t make time for much of those. I got stiff because I didn’t stretch enough….huh. I haven’t started my Integrative Medicine Fellowship, but I am signed up. So much to do, so little desire to commit to anything right now.
Last night, I watched an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert. Lots of things hit me, but what really stuck was when she talks about the “shit sandwich.” There is often the desire to do something grand with our passions. As young’uns, we think we want to “be” so many things, and then we go to college and realize we have to work at it.
It’s not fun all the time.
Liz talked about the shit sandwich that every endeavor has. If you keep doing an activity despite the shit sandwich, then it’s worth continuing for you. For dance, I sacrificed so much every day, but the joy of dance made ALL of it worth it. What are you willing to put up with to do what makes your heart sing? If it makes your heart sing, does it matter?
It made me remember that dance is the one thing I am willing to put up with just about anything to have it in my life, so I am not sure why I am not doing it more. For now, I am just going to start there. I got stronger, I accomplished my first goal, now it’s time to figure out the next part.
I don’t need to decide right now what the next thing is. I just need to allow it to percolate. I will be drawn to what is right for me, bit by bit. Having that trust is hard, but it pays off every time!
Sometimes, there is that feeling of the dark behind us, the darkness that follows us everywhere, that sometimes peeks over our shoulder, threatening to look us in the face. It is the cave we will not look into, for fear … Continue reading →
I felt uncomfortable in my skin, but not motivated to do anything in particular. It was night, and nearly bed time. I have a great book to read…but not wanting to engage. Hmm…journaling? Nope. Interacting with others? Not so much. … Continue reading →
“Colours seen by candlelight will not look the same by day.”
Elizabeth Barrett Browning….. ♥
Value all aspects (colors) of yourself. That includes the light and shadow, which alter our perception of everything.
Can you see the beauty in the shadow aspect? Can you see the darkness in the light?
Like a painter, I explore my colors. Dancing on every moment through my waters, my paints, kicking, sloshing, twirling, immersing myself fully.
Paintings in my mind, in my heart, impermanent, ready each day for a remodel of my inner landscape. ~Amy Baker
Facebook has been quite the source of inspiration for me lately. In my feed are really only positive affirmations, food for thought, life affirming statements and pictures. One page, Meditation, has posted some really great stuff. The following is a … Continue reading →
In many shamanic societies if you came to a medicine person complaining of being dis-heartened, dis-spirited, depressed, they would ask you one of four ?s
when did you stop dancing
when did you stop singing
when did you stop being enchanted by stories
when did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?
I keep finding posts about how to get back to that “happy place” for people who are entangled in their old ways, their old patterns.
Just this morning, I was thinking that dancing, kirtan, and meditation are certainly ways to happiness, given they are engaged in mindfully. They are ways of staying present, ways of experiencing anew what may seem like the same activity.
Each day, a new life. Each breath, a new attitude. Each moment, a new beginning.
My good friend Amanda came over today. I always love when we visit. She is a sunshiney person, and even on a rough day, she lights up my world when we are together. We talked about certain feelings like abandonment, … Continue reading →
I met with my very special friend Amanda today, and we talked about a lot of things, but one is the programming of our mind that affects our reality. It takes a lot of work to be aware of what … Continue reading →