Older dancer

When I do a search on Dancemagazine site for “older dancer”, I find an article blurb asking “Why aren’t we seeing older dancers more often?” and when I click on the More hyperlink,…..the article is no longer there….

Kind of like the remnants of a dancer’s life.

Like amazing dancers who just vanished from the dance world, with only pictures and memories. It’s as if they died, but we have links to them. The links are just dead.

When I have experiences like this, and when I look for classes in cities I am visiting, and they have JAZZ40 (Jazz for folks over 40 years old), I start to feel like a senior citizen. All this at the same time I am thinking of starting dance all over.

Part of me says this is impossible. The pragmatic, scared part of me knows that to simply follow a “regular” career would be the easiest route, the safest route, the predictable route, with only the pain of numbness.

Another part of me, the warrior side, jumps at the challenge. “I can do anything I set my mind to” is her mantra. I have accomplished most of what I set out to do, although I have not learned to sustain anything. But, this is not something to conquer, although I would have to use all of those warrior skills to ensure I am safe and consistent and that I push through those tough times. This part of me knows what it takes, and stands at attention, ready to take on the next challenge I give it.

The weary part of me asks, “when will all these challenges end? I am so deeply tired.” This part wants simplicity, no goals, just time to ponder, and sleep, and feel what comes up. She wants to slow down enough to feel nature, to breathe in her surroundings. Slow down until the air breathes her, until the rumblings of the earth are the rumblings of her body, until the vibrations of the universe are the music in her cells. And then, she will be rejuvenated, and then she will tap into the wellspring of mana and let it flow through her.

And a deeper part of me knows that this is not a labor of a year, or simply a challenge. This is not something for which I instantly drop everything else in a brave attempt to reclaim what I laid down in shame. ..Something I picked up again, and again, and again.

This is a calling to be fully embodied, not just to dance the form I know best, but to yet again be a channel of light and love. This time, with more wisdom, with more gravity, more balance and sincerity.

This is a deep act of self-preservation in a world so confusing and chaotic, so wildly unnatural in its attempt to curb our true wild nature. Our wild nature IS balance. It is a natural, instinctual response to the vibrations moving in, around, and through us. It is not a set of societal structures and rules, but rather an inner compass based on wisdom, heart, and deep knowing. It is sourced from our genes and our ancestors.

I know not where this is coming from, except that I know a knot inside is coming unraveled. It’s a big one, a gnarly mess of shame, grief, unspoken desires and abandoned dreams.

It’s time for something new to be born from an old passion. When I left San Francisco Ballet School and abandoned a full scholarship, I told them that dance was a spiritual thing for me. I didn’t tell them the truth, that I couldn’t afford to survive. And yet, I think in many ways, I did tell the truth. Dance is my way of connecting to source, to being a channel of the FULL experience of life. It rolls in the past, the present, and future. It rolls in HUMANITY. It can be shared or it can be solitary, and either way it connects us.

I trust I will find people who feel the same way as me on my journey. This journey started 33 years ago, when I discovered ballet. While I may not have spent all those years in the studio, I have explored movement in many forms, and I keep coming back to the DANCE….

Dance is Life is Dance

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Heart songs and shit sandwiches…..What next?

Feeling the same downers as I did after a big show. You prep and prep, live the goal day by day, chip away at everything that is a distraction, until the big event comes. For me, it was always dance shows. This last time, it was the end of the Oxygen Magazine 90 day challenge and the hope of making the top 20, maybe even the cover. I didn’t make the top 20, by the way, but I am kind of glad. I needed a break from everything. Although, if I had made the top 20, I would have embraced it. Either way, It’s ALL GOOD.

I had knee issues crop up, and I was just plain tired after waking up at 4 am 5 days a week and busting my ass in the gym. I pushed hard, I didn’t miss one workout the whole 90 days. My meals and macros were on point pretty much the whole time. I didn’t drink alcohol for the last 5-6 weeks. I felt amazing the last official workout before I took my AFTER photos. That expression is PRIDE, pride in myself for seeing it through, for giving it my all, for committing FULLY to myself and my goal. No excuses, to me or anyone else.

#FlexFriday This is the face of one HAPPY lady! I DID IT! I committed fully to myself for 90 days. It wasn't easy, yet it was, because I was ALL IN. See that picture on the right? That is PRIDE, .....pride in myself for a job well done. I haven't seen that face alot over the years. I had issues with my low back, my sacrum, my shoulder, and my knees, so I trained smart, but I always trained hard. I didn't miss one workout, and my food was on point! I learned the exercises, the meals, how to balance my macros, what protein powders to use and what supplements to use.. I dragged my butt out of bed at 4am every weekday, and if I woke up late, I got my #workout in somehow. I worked out six days a week and devoted my Sundays to rest and food prep. I invested a huge amount of time, energy and money (mostly for food) in this, and I am super stoked with the results. You know the best thing about this? I DID IT FOR ME, AND ME ALONE. Nobody suggested this, and at first I honestly doubted if I should go through with it, but something inside said it was not up for discussion. I am #foreverchanged. And what is really amazing is that by bettering myself, I inspired many others in my life to do the same. Now, that is something I didn't expect, and it makes me happy to know I can make the world a better place simply by loving myself fully. #ilovemylife #inspiration Thank you @oxygenmagazine , @erinstern5 and @amandalatona ! #oxychallenge #teamerin #teamboth #teamamanda #bodybuilding #fitat40 #fitfam #covermodel #covergirl #healthyliving #weights #noexcuses #trainhardyall #muscle #guns #biceps #gainz #oxygenexhale
Awesome, right?……………………
So, NOW WHAT??!!!
I think of doing a competition, and it’s exciting. I love the life, having a plan and sticking to it.
I love working on something similar day in and day out and noticing the changes in myself from day to day, week to week. When you do an activity regularly, you become more aware of how every part of your life affects your health. Then, my knees start talking. My adrenals start talking. Both are telling me to lay off of them a bit.
I started this so I could get stronger for dance, aerial, yoga, acroyoga, etc. YET, I didn’t make time for much of those. I got stiff because I didn’t stretch enough….huh. I haven’t started my Integrative Medicine Fellowship, but I am signed up. So much to do, so little desire to commit to anything right now.
Last night, I watched an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert. Lots of things hit me, but what really stuck was when she talks about the “shit sandwich.” There is often the desire to do something grand with our passions. As young’uns, we think we want to “be” so many things, and then we go to college and realize we have to work at it.
It’s not fun all the time.
Liz talked about the shit sandwich that every endeavor has. If you keep doing an activity despite the shit sandwich, then it’s worth continuing for you. For dance, I sacrificed so much every day, but the joy of dance made ALL of it worth it. What are you willing to put up with to do what makes your heart sing? If it makes your heart sing, does it matter?
It made me remember that dance is the one thing I am willing to put up with just about anything to have it in my life, so I am not sure why I am not doing it more. For now, I am just going to start there. I got stronger, I accomplished my first goal, now it’s time to figure out the next part.
I don’t need to decide right now what the next thing is. I just need to allow it to percolate. I will be drawn to what is right for me, bit by bit. Having that trust is hard, but it pays off every time!

Turning it around

In a half hour, a complete stranger helped me to understand a power struggle between my daughter Keely and myself that has caused us much strife over the past year. I left this call with a “stranger” able to breathe freely in a way I haven’t felt in months.

This person somehow, in a twist of celestial fate, showed up in my Facebook feed yesterday offering free 30-minute calls to people. She goes by April Dawn*, which I find even more interesting, as my daughter goes by Keely Dawn.

She reminded me indirectly of the mirror our lives are to our internal state. I expressed concern over my daughter’s ability to make things happen in her life for herself, and how I hate being in the position of having to decide whether to step up for her again or to let her feel the consequences of her lack of action. April said she sensed a lack of trust in my relationship with my daughter, and asked me to turn around my lack of trust in my daughter’s ability to make things happen. She asked if in some way I might be acting from the fear that I am not able to make those things happen in my life, and it hit me like a brick.

Yes, as always, it was my issue all along.

I let myself down when I was 18 when I quit San Francisco Ballet School. I have lived with that regret ever since. I have found ways back to dance here and there. I blamed circumstance. I pointed the finger at my folks for not financially supporting me when I needed it. But in the end, it was my responsibility to ask for help, and to find a way to make it happen, to believe in myself enough and to love myself enough to make my dream my life.

And I didn’t do that for myself.

And I project that regret onto my daughter, fearing she will do the same thing. And it’s not right, nor is it helpful.

The call happened twenty minutes ago, and already some of the details are fading, but the lesson isn’t. I have put so much energy into trying to “help” my daughter succeed at what I think are the most basic things, and all I really need to do is make things happen for myself. Live by example.

My fear of not being able to make my own dreams come true, has led me to put pressure on my daughter to make hers happen. Near the end of the call, April asked how I felt about making things happen for myself, and I remembered that in the past year, I have actually made some huge strides for myself in that direction. Lately, I have been feeling very stuck and impotent in that area, but reminding myself of the steps I have taken suddenly reaffirmed my trust in myself, and hence, my trust that my daughter will be o.k. She is on her own path, and she will find her own way. I sighed out tension I have been holding for months.

When I take away my fear of letting myself down and learn to trust myself, I suddenly trust that my daughter can do what’s right for herself. And when I am in that place of trust, I can guide vs push her. I can be there for her, but let herself do what she needs to do. I can allow her to find her own way, and remain available for her, but not intercept.

I can trust her because I can trust myself, and that’s a HUGE relief for both of us!

*April Dawn has a Relationship promotion going which I am happy to spread the word about. If she can help me reach clarity in a half hour on something I have missed for months, I can only imagine how she can help guide people in 4 months!

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143- So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

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This excerpt of T.S. Eliot’s work from Four Quartets: The East Coker speaks to my need for silence, and the innate uncomfortable-ness of that space between the light and the dark. It is in the anticipation of what lies beneath … Continue reading

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30- Honor Thyself

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…a second chance to count her blessings, heal wounded hearts, recapture lost love… and to live a life that will truly honor others — beginning with herself… Honor Thyself by Danielle Steel Some of you may have noticed this is … Continue reading

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