Turning it around

In a half hour, a complete stranger helped me to understand a power struggle between my daughter Keely and myself that has caused us much strife over the past year. I left this call with a “stranger” able to breathe freely in a way I haven’t felt in months.

This person somehow, in a twist of celestial fate, showed up in my Facebook feed yesterday offering free 30-minute calls to people. She goes by April Dawn*, which I find even more interesting, as my daughter goes by Keely Dawn.

She reminded me indirectly of the mirror our lives are to our internal state. I expressed concern over my daughter’s ability to make things happen in her life for herself, and how I hate being in the position of having to decide whether to step up for her again or to let her feel the consequences of her lack of action. April said she sensed a lack of trust in my relationship with my daughter, and asked me to turn around my lack of trust in my daughter’s ability to make things happen. She asked if in some way I might be acting from the fear that I am not able to make those things happen in my life, and it hit me like a brick.

Yes, as always, it was my issue all along.

I let myself down when I was 18 when I quit San Francisco Ballet School. I have lived with that regret ever since. I have found ways back to dance here and there. I blamed circumstance. I pointed the finger at my folks for not financially supporting me when I needed it. But in the end, it was my responsibility to ask for help, and to find a way to make it happen, to believe in myself enough and to love myself enough to make my dream my life.

And I didn’t do that for myself.

And I project that regret onto my daughter, fearing she will do the same thing. And it’s not right, nor is it helpful.

The call happened twenty minutes ago, and already some of the details are fading, but the lesson isn’t. I have put so much energy into trying to “help” my daughter succeed at what I think are the most basic things, and all I really need to do is make things happen for myself. Live by example.

My fear of not being able to make my own dreams come true, has led me to put pressure on my daughter to make hers happen. Near the end of the call, April asked how I felt about making things happen for myself, and I remembered that in the past year, I have actually made some huge strides for myself in that direction. Lately, I have been feeling very stuck and impotent in that area, but reminding myself of the steps I have taken suddenly reaffirmed my trust in myself, and hence, my trust that my daughter will be o.k. She is on her own path, and she will find her own way. I sighed out tension I have been holding for months.

When I take away my fear of letting myself down and learn to trust myself, I suddenly trust that my daughter can do what’s right for herself. And when I am in that place of trust, I can guide vs push her. I can be there for her, but let herself do what she needs to do. I can allow her to find her own way, and remain available for her, but not intercept.

I can trust her because I can trust myself, and that’s a HUGE relief for both of us!

*April Dawn has a Relationship promotion going which I am happy to spread the word about. If she can help me reach clarity in a half hour on something I have missed for months, I can only imagine how she can help guide people in 4 months!


He twisted my brain in a beautiful way…

My bestie and I were coming to the end of our text chat, as we so often do, living a 3-hour time difference apart. I texted, “Enjoy your dinner,” to which he replied,

” Enjoy your dreams.”

Normally, that would have been a “sweet dreams”, to which I would smile softly inside and then go home feeling properly tucked in, so to speak. This struck a completely different chord in me. First, I had the vision of actually sculpting and fashioning my sleeping dreams that night, really eating them up and making things happen.

But then, what are dreams but the soul’s manifestation of its desire? So, to enjoy our dreams is to LIVE our dreams…. not just in our sleep, but in our daily lives. And to enjoy our dreams is to be IN JOY with our heart’s desires.

So often, our dreams become our worst enemy. We think of how we aren’t living our dreams, so just the thought of that which makes us happy, ends up bringing us down. BUT, what if we stop feeling that we are, or are not, living our dreams and instead simply ENJOY that which makes us happy?

I love to dance. I love to think about dancing, to envision it, to dream about it, analyze it, flow with it. I dance with others, or with myself, in movement or in stillness. It is always with me. It is a part of me that connects me with that which is bigger than me. Call it the Divine if you will, or God. It is my portal to Heaven.

For 20 years, I have beat myself up for not dancing more, for letting my dream fall to the wayside while I pursued an advanced degree. The thought of dance (and anything that I love but am not doing) has brought me pain simply because I judged myself for not DOing them more.

The more I enjoy that Love of dance, that Joy in Movement for just that, for the feeling I get, for the connection it offers me, for how it lights up my body, heart and soul, the more I am living my dreams and loving my life. The more I enjoy the plants I have and not worry about the fact that I haven’t planted that garden yet, the more likely I am to actually plant and cultivate what I can.

The seed was already planted. Cultivate it, day by day, little by little.

So, there will be no sweet dreams tonight. Instead, there will be Joyfull dreams of all that makes my heart sing, and tomorrow the dream continues….living IN JOY with all in my life that brings me happiness, connection, peace and love.

Amazing how a small change in how something is said can twist your brain into seeing everything in a whole new light. Totally LOVING that!


84- Seeds they are a flyin’


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Okay, I admit I am borrowing this material, but it captures something that I love. It captures a huge part of the reason I blog, why I always attempt to be raw, transparent and honest in my blogs. As I … Continue reading


11- Prioritize to Plan Your Dreams


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10- When Dreams Are Made


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