Choreographing Life- transcript

Recorded January 2017

So, I spoke with (counselor) today at work about what’s up for me, and I told her that last night, I was sitting, and it became very clear to me that I’ve been running for 2 years, since my divorce, and that I feel like it’s time to FEEL it. And I have all these things going on that are either distractions, or….it’s just all up for me right now.

She said, “I picture you, you know, making a dance of what you’re going through….like, choreographing a dance maybe around your divorce” and it really hit me hard..and I’m driving home, and it’s like…it’s pretty clear to me that I started dancing more and instantly I started shutting down, because when you dance, you feel more, you’re moving energy through your body, and you have to allow those energies through in order to dance, and just by the act of dancing, you open up channels that are maybe trying to be blocked…..

So, I’m just having an image of the therapeutic power of allowing the story to play through our body and to orchestrate that story and to be conscious of how that story is played out and how it WAS played out, and how we move forward into the world…and how our physical movement in the world and our energetic movement in the world, interaction with people, is no different…it’s no different.

And to choreograph a dance that illustrates the TRUE story of what happened could be profound. My first thought is to go learn about choreography more, and to dive into that, and about storytelling and the power of story, and find a way to combine the two in a way that can really empower people to understand what’s happened to them in a different way and to change their course consciously or to act out somehow what’s happening internally that they can’t put words to, because these energetic shifts… we can try and use our brain and rationalize it….or braini-ize it, or whatever you want to call it, but it doesn’t… at some point, you gotta just give that up, and the body starts talking. This might be a way to help listen to the body too. It’s amazing how one small suggestion, when I look at it, I see the potential for it, and that’s where dance therapy comes in ….

(sigh)……yeah…dance therapy. I like it. I wish there were more programs for it. I would be willing to see how to make that work.

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Turning it around

In a half hour, a complete stranger helped me to understand a power struggle between my daughter Keely and myself that has caused us much strife over the past year. I left this call with a “stranger” able to breathe freely in a way I haven’t felt in months.

This person somehow, in a twist of celestial fate, showed up in my Facebook feed yesterday offering free 30-minute calls to people. She goes by April Dawn*, which I find even more interesting, as my daughter goes by Keely Dawn.

She reminded me indirectly of the mirror our lives are to our internal state. I expressed concern over my daughter’s ability to make things happen in her life for herself, and how I hate being in the position of having to decide whether to step up for her again or to let her feel the consequences of her lack of action. April said she sensed a lack of trust in my relationship with my daughter, and asked me to turn around my lack of trust in my daughter’s ability to make things happen. She asked if in some way I might be acting from the fear that I am not able to make those things happen in my life, and it hit me like a brick.

Yes, as always, it was my issue all along.

I let myself down when I was 18 when I quit San Francisco Ballet School. I have lived with that regret ever since. I have found ways back to dance here and there. I blamed circumstance. I pointed the finger at my folks for not financially supporting me when I needed it. But in the end, it was my responsibility to ask for help, and to find a way to make it happen, to believe in myself enough and to love myself enough to make my dream my life.

And I didn’t do that for myself.

And I project that regret onto my daughter, fearing she will do the same thing. And it’s not right, nor is it helpful.

The call happened twenty minutes ago, and already some of the details are fading, but the lesson isn’t. I have put so much energy into trying to “help” my daughter succeed at what I think are the most basic things, and all I really need to do is make things happen for myself. Live by example.

My fear of not being able to make my own dreams come true, has led me to put pressure on my daughter to make hers happen. Near the end of the call, April asked how I felt about making things happen for myself, and I remembered that in the past year, I have actually made some huge strides for myself in that direction. Lately, I have been feeling very stuck and impotent in that area, but reminding myself of the steps I have taken suddenly reaffirmed my trust in myself, and hence, my trust that my daughter will be o.k. She is on her own path, and she will find her own way. I sighed out tension I have been holding for months.

When I take away my fear of letting myself down and learn to trust myself, I suddenly trust that my daughter can do what’s right for herself. And when I am in that place of trust, I can guide vs push her. I can be there for her, but let herself do what she needs to do. I can allow her to find her own way, and remain available for her, but not intercept.

I can trust her because I can trust myself, and that’s a HUGE relief for both of us!

*April Dawn has a Relationship promotion going which I am happy to spread the word about. If she can help me reach clarity in a half hour on something I have missed for months, I can only imagine how she can help guide people in 4 months!

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152- The Darkness Behind Us

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Sometimes, there is that feeling of the dark behind us, the darkness that follows us everywhere, that sometimes peeks over our shoulder, threatening to look us in the face. It is the cave we will not look into, for fear … Continue reading

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146- I am Engaged to My Self

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September 25th, I remembered some events in my past that had a profound effect on me. With that memory, and the current commitment to be more intimate with myself, came the remembrance of my engagement to myself on October 17, … Continue reading

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99- Wisdom in the Flow

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I have noticed that my postings have become more sporadic, and they aren’t the forced daily postings I had before. I love posting, and I often have too many ideas to flesh out, so when nighttime comes, I am too … Continue reading

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85- How do you fill up?

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I have been feeling very full in my belly lately, which makes it hard to feel hunger. I talked to my therapist about it, and she pointed out all of the extremely emotional events I had been through that week, … Continue reading

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83- Have you rototilled your brain lately?

One of the hard parts about being in therapy is that there are so many thoughts that come up throughout the day, you can’t catch them all. When in the process, it’s like a rototill is going through your brain, your heart, your gut, your soul, and it’s tossing up seemingly random bits.

Trying to catch them as they fly by is next to impossible, and perhaps I am not supposed to. Perhaps they will form something else if I let them fall and organize organically. Perhaps what is important is that which is left over. I don’t claim to know, and am simply trusting in the process.

Regardless, I have numerous blog topics come to my mind all day, mini revelations, but they are fleeting, and lately the pen on paper has been more conducive to letting the thoughts flow and allowing that creative child in me to come out.

 

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74- Power-full Children

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When discussing the battle of wills my daughter and I experience, a friend of mine said something very poignant (as he often does). He said that the only power children have is their anger. Honestly, when you are completely dependent … Continue reading

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40- Web of Narcissism

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Ever been with people who make you feel crazy?  Usually it’s an intimate relationship, or perhaps a family member. The way I define the craziness is like a spider web. The scenario goes a bit like this: You are a … Continue reading

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37- Be My Mirror

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This counseling stuff is intense. I say that lightly, because it really is a serious endeavor, yet we can’t take ourselves too seriously when going through it. My counselor often brings up other people in my life being my mirrors. … Continue reading

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