Depressed – transcript

Recorded January 2017

(I really wish this audio was uploadable….because it really catches what I am feeling so much more than the words will… the pauses, the intonation, the sighs…etc)

My usual MO is to plan right now…to plan my mornings, find a goal, set a goal, figure out how to do it. I don’t want to plan anything. I don’t know if they call that depression. I don’t want to do a thing, and I have so much I could do…


“I could wake up early and go work out…” -what’s the point?

“I could get up and do yoga…- but what’s the goal?

“I could get up and dance” – but I honestly want to just sleep.

I don’t have a lot of energy. I’m tired of being sick.




I don’t want  to feel my body.


There’s something there.

(Sigh)….and if I feel my body, I’ll have to feel it. I can certainly sense my resistance…to feeling.

Ooooooh,…’s tough being human.


A Year to Clear

As is par for the course on a New Years Day, I slept in. Thankfully, I remembered to turn off my alarm, and at 10am, I awoke, with crusty eyes, swollen hands, and an internal panic of all that I “have” to do.

Insert big EXHALE here.

Let me start over. I know 2016 is going to be big. 2015 was huge. I let go of a lot and brought in so much that I now don’t have enough hours in the day to do all that I brought into my life and would LOVE to do! It’s a real problem, folks.

I wake up, and my mind starts with, you “should” do yoga. That’s a healthy way to start the day, every day. You shouldn’t drink coffee. It’s hard on your adrenals. You really should go play on your pole. Don’t sit down on the computer right away without stretching and being active first. And on and on… I think I have an internal mother on overdrive.

And then I think of all that I want to DO in my life.

  • I want to dance more, like full dancing, with jumps and leaps, and performing, and pirouettes, and floorwork, and all the pain and beauty I remember.
  • Oh, and I have a pole downstairs that I want to learn to use, but for some reason am not.
  • I want to write more, so I think a daily blog again would be good.
  • I started a fellowship, so I know I need to study.
  • Of course, I want to somehow turn that into a business where I actually help people be healthier, vs. approve medications that are prescribed by other people and that I know are making them sicker.
  • Oh, and I want to be healthy and strong, so I want to keep up the workouts in the gym, and of course the meal prepping.
  • Perhaps I might do a figure competition as well.
  • Somewhere in there, I really want to have more close relationships with people. Yet I am reticent to have a relationship outside of myself. I want to let people in….slowly.
  • I want to clear the clutter in my home….starting with the file drawer full of things to file…and I need to download my quicken for the YEAR and figure out what is biz and not…and organize so I can study, so my heartrate doesn’t quicken in panic every time I walk in the office….
  • And all of those things take Time, …and Focus…. and Presence.

And yet, I am remembering going through some of my old posts last night after coming back from New Years festivities. So many of the posts are about Surrendering to the unknown, to letting the current image of things as we think they should be fall away. They are about Trust, Self Love, and BEing.

So, I sit down with my coffee, open up my computer, and this page is looking at me (which I opened last night)

A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back!
Premium on-line course by Stephanie Bennett Vogt
(9,538 people have taken this course)

This is a 365-day on-line course available from Stephanie Bennett Vogt. We will email you when your new lesson is available and you will be able to login and read each lesson on-line or print as they become available and click to listen to the guided audio meditations. Your first lesson will be available immediately after you enroll.

“The journey is the treasure.”-Lloyd Alexander


Well, I took it as a sign, and I signed up. Part of me thought, “Amy, there you go committing to yet one more thing,” and the other part of me said, “It needs to happen. It will help me focus on what is most important each day, help me in seeing that I don’t have to do it all every day, that it’s ok to let some things go so other things can come in.”

So, no New Years Resolutions, except maybe to ALLOW my Self to be all that I imagine and more, or less than I imagine, and to trust that letting go of what I imagine will allow something I cannot imagine because it is a whole new way of being.

I like the sound of that!

What is on your mind as we head into 2016? 




130- Spiritual Bypass


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Following is from When Spirituality Disconnects Us From What Really Matters Have you ever: Used spirituality as a sort of escape from reality, or as a way to avoid some painful aspect of your life? Let yourself get taken advantage … Continue reading


114- Through The Window

Walking holograms

Like the guards at the Queen of Heart’s castle,

They walk.

Flickering holograms, transparent to those who see.

Different from each of infinite angles.

Windows, the view through clouded by our own reflections.

A bright hologram, a window I can see through,

my beloved.

Where only I exist, where I meet the Beloved

In bliss, joy, boundless Love.

And windows get dirty, clouded by our own projections

And it is hard for others to see through

To meet the Beloved with you

In that space through the hologram, beyond the window.


110- Getting back to that “Happy Place”

The following is borrowed from a Facebook status of a friend, and I felt it so timely:

In many shamanic societies if you came to a medicine person complaining of being dis-heartened, dis-spirited, depressed, they would ask you one of four ?s

when did you stop dancing
when did you stop singing
when did you stop being enchanted by stories
when did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

I keep finding posts about how to get back to that “happy place” for people who are entangled in their old ways, their old patterns.

Just this morning, I was thinking that dancing, kirtan, and meditation are certainly ways to happiness, given they are engaged in mindfully. They are ways of staying present, ways of experiencing anew what may seem like the same activity.

Each day, a new life. Each breath, a new attitude. Each moment, a new beginning.


102- Starting the day with a big cup of Self Love

Amazed at the difference self care makes in my life. Taking the time to sit and be still in the morning, whether it’s meditation or a little feldenkrais/body awareness exercises, the head is clearer, anxiety lessens, and life is brighter.

A healthy breakfast, calm time in the morning, a nice shower and a big cup of self love is all it takes to make the whole day brighter. That brightness carries over to every part of my life.

Often, I don’t make my daughter breakfast. I want her to start taking that initiative herself, but it often backfires. When she was smaller, it was different. She is starting high school soon, and it is hard to know how and when to teach self-reliance.

This morning, I took some time for myself, cleaned up my desk a bit, then offered her a nice breakfast. Considering she woke up in a bad mood, that bit of light helped brighten her day. Such a simple act, and so much easier to offer lovingly when I have nourished my body and soul first.

Self care is not selfish in a judgemental sense. Self love is celebrating the divine within you that is within everything. To deny yourself your divine being, you are less able to recognize the divine in everything else. We are all of the same material, source, energy.

To recognize that you are but one more unique and amazing manifestation of the divine allows a healthier and freer interplay with all of the other unique manifestations in this world.


92- From Human Do-ing to Human Be-ing


Yes, that’s where I have been, in a time warp. I have lost track completely (almost) of days, hours, whether I blogged for the day or not. Life has been very different, very fulfilling, and soul-opening lately. It’s amazing what … Continue reading


67- STOP! Mantra Time!

When anxiety rises, I think back to Ram Dass, and my mantra becomes,
In This Moment….In THIS Moment….in. This. moment….


I am cultivating a home yoga practice, bit by bit. The other day during yoga, I found my mind wandering ahead to the future. Usually it passes, and I can bring myself back into the moment, but the subject matter is highly stressful for me right now, and it kept sticking.

My lungs were tight, and my belly was full of the anxiety of the thoughts, so I recited, slowly and deliberately, “In This Moment” over and over. When I saw Ram Dass speak, he brought my attention to the moment with this mantra.

Nothing exists but the present, except in our mind.

When your mind is racing, how do you bring yourself back to the present? When just focusing on your breath doesn’t seem to be enough to center yourself, what is your practice?


53- Just a Vagabond

Today, I am beat. BUT, I had an amazing party last night with friends. I am a bit too tired to do it justice, but I will post some pics, and hopefully tomorrow I can share a bit of all that happened. Until then, malama pono!


52- Vagabond


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It seems I am a day late on this post! Whoops! My daughter and I were having a great conversation last night about different types of personalities, but specifically narcissists. I know, odd conversation. Tonight, I celebrate with friends in … Continue reading