Choreographing Life- transcript

Recorded January 2017

So, I spoke with (counselor) today at work about what’s up for me, and I told her that last night, I was sitting, and it became very clear to me that I’ve been running for 2 years, since my divorce, and that I feel like it’s time to FEEL it. And I have all these things going on that are either distractions, or….it’s just all up for me right now.

She said, “I picture you, you know, making a dance of what you’re going through….like, choreographing a dance maybe around your divorce” and it really hit me hard..and I’m driving home, and it’s like…it’s pretty clear to me that I started dancing more and instantly I started shutting down, because when you dance, you feel more, you’re moving energy through your body, and you have to allow those energies through in order to dance, and just by the act of dancing, you open up channels that are maybe trying to be blocked…..

So, I’m just having an image of the therapeutic power of allowing the story to play through our body and to orchestrate that story and to be conscious of how that story is played out and how it WAS played out, and how we move forward into the world…and how our physical movement in the world and our energetic movement in the world, interaction with people, is no different…it’s no different.

And to choreograph a dance that illustrates the TRUE story of what happened could be profound. My first thought is to go learn about choreography more, and to dive into that, and about storytelling and the power of story, and find a way to combine the two in a way that can really empower people to understand what’s happened to them in a different way and to change their course consciously or to act out somehow what’s happening internally that they can’t put words to, because these energetic shifts… we can try and use our brain and rationalize it….or braini-ize it, or whatever you want to call it, but it doesn’t… at some point, you gotta just give that up, and the body starts talking. This might be a way to help listen to the body too. It’s amazing how one small suggestion, when I look at it, I see the potential for it, and that’s where dance therapy comes in ….

(sigh)……yeah…dance therapy. I like it. I wish there were more programs for it. I would be willing to see how to make that work.


MADness strikes…. seeking cover girl status

Part of me thinks I must be mad. I spent many years being busy, busy, active, active. I drove myself and my body….and you know what? After poo-pooing it for so long, and for noting that so much of it was initiated out of, sometimes, a not so healthy place… I am turning full circle. I am entering the Oxygen Ultimate 90 day Challenge. Not only that, I am competing to get on their cover.

I have learned rest, and the value of just BEing. I spent a year working on being easy on myself on my body. And I realized I LOVE being active and healthy. Do I need to watch it and not push too hard? YES.

Recently, I started coffee again..bulletproof coffee to be exact. I quickly gained 4 pounds and was going out dancing a lot. And then, I realized I was worn out. Adrenal fatigue had come to visit me again. I noticed I had a harder time waking up in the morning, and my brain was foggy. The day after I quit coffee, I got up before my alarm. By day 6, I was mentally alert and my energy was more stable. Go figure!

Back to the Challenge.

When I was 27, I worked out 2-3 hours a day, ate 1200 calories, tanned a lot, and looked pretty amazing. I was strong and agile. BUT, it was all based out of my eating disorder. I thought that if I had the perfect ass, my husband would stop seeing other women. I read Oxygen magazine religiously and pictured myself on the cover. A male competitor saw me in the gym one day and said I could be ready for a competition in 6 weeks. I didn’t realize then what a compliment that was!!

After that, I started marathons and triathlons, and got super strong and fit, while eating!

Fast forward a few years… broken pelvis, and resultant adrenal fatigue (with hypothyroidism), plus daily alcohol consumption. Not pretty. I wasn’t heavy, but I wasn’t the tight, strong fit girl I was used to. I was horribly depressed too.

Fast forward a few more years to age 40 (and fabulous).…recovered pelvis with some minor lingering issues, adrenal fatigue if I abuse myself, many months of completed intense therapy resolving my eating disorder issues (at least it feels that way), and a better knowledge of both how to be healthy in mind and body, and the desire to do it right.

WHAM! In comes an invitation to the Oxygen Ultimate Challenge.

July 15- Oct 12 I will be working my butt off eating clean and smart, getting active, disciplined, and healthy. To prove it, I will be posting at least before and after photos. Likely, to stay honest, I will post weekly shots.

OMG! My butt in a bikini for everyone to see….I truly have lost my mind.

I want this. I have so many other things I am focusing on for myself, and this is what I am using to kickstart my discipline and my vitality. I want to be healthy in a way that is sustainable, that I can honestly tell people I feel the best I have in my life by treating my body well.

Follow me on IG @amyrxbaker

The winner of the cover contest will be chosen BY THE PUBLIC  from 20 finalists. I would be ecstatic to even make the finals, but I will shoot for the gusto!


Family Constellation Reflection

Written in January 2015…

Not completely sure how to summarize or even explain what I just experienced. People standing around, as if they are people in your family that you may not have even met, discussing how and what they feel about the others….how they feel physically, emotionally… watching this whole play of dynamics tighten up in a ball of energy, and then gradually unfold, like a ball of yarn rolling away. Tonight, I did my first family constellation therapy.

I saw people play Keely and me to a T, people who haven’t seen us interact, or only sporadically. These people mentioned feelings coming up that fit us so well. The one playing Keely found herself rolled up in a ball on the floor, saying that she felt like she could stay there forever. The one playing me started out saying he felt pulled several directions, and that he wasn’t up to it, just wasn’t up to what he had to do. The one playing Keely’s father felt blank, which was more than appropriate.

The one playing my mother instantly felt lots of anxiety about me and Keely, which fits my mom to a T. She felt danger for some reason, so the facilitator (Lexi) looked back into the men in my mother’s family. She went back to my mother’s great-grandfather, I believe. And I realized I know nothing about the men on my mother’s side of the family. I never met my grandfather, and all I heard was that he was an alcoholic and not so nice. It makes me want to ask about the men to see what happened, what they were like.

At some point when Nicole (who originally played Keely) ended up playing my grandmother, it became so clear the similarity between her and Keely. They both are sweet, soft, and wonderfully imperfect, and vulnerable. My mom was always on my grandmother’s case about this or that, trying to fix her or correct her. I realized that is what I do with Keely. I am on her constantly, as if she is not okay just being. It’s harping more than guiding. Yes, I guide, but only on my better days.

It was a weepy night, with all kinds of strong feelings coming up. Time to sit down and recharge…

152- The Darkness Behind Us


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Sometimes, there is that feeling of the dark behind us, the darkness that follows us everywhere, that sometimes peeks over our shoulder, threatening to look us in the face. It is the cave we will not look into, for fear … Continue reading


141- Going Inward

Photo by Lee Johnson

I have found myself lately wanting to be alone, not to avoid others, but to truly BE with myself. I have so often over the years kept myself too busy and too distracted to spend valuable time with myself getting to know ME.

As my moon cycle approaches, and shifts are happening in my life, I feel a definite pull inward. Before, I would have pushed myself to do, do, do. Now, I am happy to have a good chunk of the day to relax with myself, and to honor my own personal ebb and flow.

I may even kidnap myself away for the rest of the week, like I would a lover on a honeymoon. Yes, a Self-Cation!

Going inward…. let’s catch up when I emerge.


137- Who Do You Think You Are?

There is nothing to practice.
To know yourself, be yourself.
To be yourself, stop imagining
yourself to be this or that.
Just be. Let your true nature emerge.
Don’t disturb your mind with seeking.

Nisargadatta …. ♥

“Stop imagining yourself to be this or that”…. to stop identifying yourself as any-thing, which is purely the ego. May we all be the student every day. May we always be humble and trust that the other has their answers within them, and until they hear themselves speak that truth, they will not hear our answers.

We are neither “good” nor “bad”, wise nor dumb, virtuous nor sinful. We simply are as we are, perfect, and right where we are meant to be. Where else could we be?

111- Going Down the Rabbit Hole To Uncover My Emotions


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Facebook has been quite the source of inspiration for me lately. In my feed are really only positive affirmations, food for thought, life affirming statements and pictures. One page, Meditation, has posted some really great stuff. The following is a … Continue reading


83- Have you rototilled your brain lately?

One of the hard parts about being in therapy is that there are so many thoughts that come up throughout the day, you can’t catch them all. When in the process, it’s like a rototill is going through your brain, your heart, your gut, your soul, and it’s tossing up seemingly random bits.

Trying to catch them as they fly by is next to impossible, and perhaps I am not supposed to. Perhaps they will form something else if I let them fall and organize organically. Perhaps what is important is that which is left over. I don’t claim to know, and am simply trusting in the process.

Regardless, I have numerous blog topics come to my mind all day, mini revelations, but they are fleeting, and lately the pen on paper has been more conducive to letting the thoughts flow and allowing that creative child in me to come out.



49- Waiting for the POP


Being in group counseling and hearing about how much everyone hates their parents is really hard for me. All of us parents have guilt. I would guess that most parents feel guilty for anything their child(ren) struggles with, whether it’s … Continue reading


46- Intuition eating at ya?


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Trust your gut. How many times have you heard that? Do you know what it really means? Some people think it means to trust that when your belly says it’s hungry, that it’s telling the truth. It’s so much more … Continue reading